times and places

goodbye/hello

2008-12-30T22:08:00.000-08:00

different/same

2008-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel weak for wanting to surround myself with like-minded folks. Aren't we supposed to challenge ourselves? Shouldn't we be willing to stand up for our convictions?

I guess. I just feel like...I don't like fighting everyday. I don't like the toll it takes, arguing and pushing and debating on a constant basis. It's not that I don't appreciate other points of view. I do. It's not that I don't love people who believe things radically different than I do. I do, too.

I guess it's just that in my day to day encounters, in the people I have casual conversation with, in the people who I'm going to hang out with and be free with...I want to be that. Free. And I want to be supported. Don't we all? I want to say what I want to say and have some "yeah" thrown my way.

It can get discouraging to be in a world that doesn't value the same things I do and seemingly doesn't seem to value me for who I am...a woman, a person of hispanic heritage, a parent of more than two. And more. It's not a good feeling, knowing that over all your culture does not value you as a human all that much. I want to spend the majority of my personal time around people who DO value other humans. I guess that's what it is.

************************************************************************

I live in California and we are having a huge budget crisis. They want to lay off state workers because we don't have enough to pay everyone. One suggestion was to give everyone a pay cut. And everyone freaked out and screamed and said "Noooo! You can't cut my pay!!". And, I'm sorry, but I've been a state worker. My husband is a state worker. They get paid just fine and they have excellent benefits. It's a far superior job than just about anything else comparable out there.

I would be willing to sacrifice a percentage of our income if it meant our friends and neighbors got to keep their jobs. Isn't it better for all of us in the end if more people stay employed? Do people not realize the social ramifications of high unemployment?

The whole thing has been very depressing to watch. Some people are saying that in reality the worst that will happen is some state workers will lose some paid holidays and that's it. I hope so. Things are bad enough right now without people losing jobs.

sometimes I think I'm weird

2008-12-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

In my group of friends, I'm the loud one, the blunt one, the straight shooter, if you will. I say things that my friends often won't, either because they have much more tact or class than me or because they are just plain smarter.

But sometimes I wonder if I'm just weird and think weird things and see the world in a weird way and maybe that's why it is that I say things other people don't. Adding the internet into that mix makes me wonder if my thoughts and behavior are REALLY weird.

The lovely Suebob of Redstapler is headed to my next of the woods and she is coming here and meeting up with Count Mockula. Now, I've been following Suebob for a long time, but I had never heard of CM, and this fun little blogger lives in my town. In fact, she lives somewhere within a mile or so radius from my house. How do I not know her?

She seems about my age. She has a baby just a smidge older than my baby (and extremely cute with a very cool and unique name, just like my baby). She has a tall skinny hubby, like me. She's somewhat punk rock (ok, she's hell of punk rock, WAY more than me but in a way I'd like to be). She dressed her kids in Paul Frank. She slings her baby. Her family just took a trip to Santa Cruz and went all the places that we went on OUR recent trip to Santa Cruz. She's, like...a cooler version of me. At least from the superficial things I've gleaned from her blog.

And this is why I think I'm weird.

Because, it's very possible that I've seen her around. (In fact, I used to go all the time to see the band she is/was in). And when I see women like that around, particularly at my local Trader Joes (which is where I usually see other 30-something progressive/punk/liberal mamas) I always think "How do I not know this person?". And sometimes I even have the fleeting thought of walking up to them and giving them my card and saying, in a very 3rd grade kind of way "My name is Smarmy Mama, do you want to be my friend?".

I mean...am I weird that I look at other women around town and think "I should be friends with that person" or "How am I NOT friends with that person!??".

I live in a fairly progressive/lefty part of town and so I see these women out and about with their little ones fairly often. I can't tell you how many times I've held myself back from trying to make small talk...for what? Just because we kind of look like we lead similar life styles! Is that weird?

Confession: There was a Dansko wearing mama wandering Trader Joes a few weeks ago and her babe was wearing a kind of cloth diaper that I use. And you know what I did? I faked asking about what kind it was (even though I knew) just to try to make small talk!!

Whenever I feel this way or do something silly like that, I always wonder...am I the only freak who does that?

And, I wonder if it's ridiculous of me to wonder how I don't know these women. Yes I live in a big city, technically, but the particular part of town I live in feels so very small. The social circles are so small and so intertwined. I honestly will ponder for days how it's possible I don't know every other hipster mom in town when in reality, it's probably pretty stupid of me to even think that's possible. I mean, OF COURSE I don't know them all. I don't even hardly leave the damn house most of the week, for pete's sake.

Anyways...

Because of Suebob, I wandered around CM blog and found out who she was. And it was cool seeing my city through another's eyes. That was fun.

I wonder, though, if I'm the only 30-something year old woman around here who contemplates ways to make friends with people just because they look like they are kind of the same. Maybe I'm just a big weirdo.

Either way, Count Mockula, I promise I did not and will not stalk you. I would like to think that everyone is interested in other people around them who they have things in common with, but maybe I'm the only one.

after

2008-12-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, after the millions of presents were opened, as my two oldest were finishing their french toast I'd made them, they both stopped and said to me "Thank you for breakfast, mama. And thank you for all my presents".

It was possibly the sweetest gift I could have been given and an assurance that maybe, just maybe, I'm not screwing this parenting thing up too badly.

worlds happiest baby

2008-12-22T20:21:00.000-08:00

1 Christmas down, 2 to go.

2008-12-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

Being the modern fractured family that we are, the holidays are underway with Christmas 1 out of the way.

Christmas 1 was with my parents. We drove up Friday night, just as I was feeling a tickle in my throat. By the time I hit the sack in my brothers guest room, my throat was fiery agony. I cooked a big dinner of tri tip, baked potatoes, salad, green bean caserole, and rolls for my family. It was well received. The Hub got me some Nyquil and I had a slightly better nights sleep last night.

I'm a little sad that I was feeling so crappy for the visit with my family. I would have liked to have had more energy and to have enjoyed myself more.

I now I have two days of work and then it's Christmas 2, on Wednesday, which will be with my mother in law. God bless her, she always cooks up a huge amazing spread and I don't have to do a darn thing other than show up, let her ply my children with sugar, ply me with sauvignon blanc, and get presents. So, this year, even if I'm not feeling so well, at least I have no work to do.

We will be spending Christmas 3, or ACTUAL Christmas, at home. Alone. Just our (not so) little family. I think we've both wanted to do this for a long time, but this is the first year we can do so, guilt free. So we'll take what we can get. I'm looking forward to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a dose of NyQuil and some kleenex are callin' my name. I need to rest up and be well for the next Christmas.

life

2008-12-15T12:40:00.000-08:00

I have a very blessed life. So much so, in fact, that I spend a lot of time wondering what horrible thing is going to happen to me, because no one just has this wonderful of a life without some rain clouds here and there.

I'm weird (or maybe a bit mental)

2008-12-14T16:26:00.000-08:00

I am so completely and totally content and happy when my house is clean and orderly. It makes me so happy.

We got our tree last weekend. And by Friday it was dead. We went to a cut-your-own place to avoid this and it still died. (It was cheap, I think the place we went to sells trees that are not especially meant to be cut down and kept in a bowl of water) So I obsessed about it all last week as the days saw the tree getting dryer, not taking up water, and the branches drooping. I could hardly think of anything else except the idea of all the needles that would drop on my floor, the possible fire hazard, and how pathetic the darn thing looked. So we went to Target yesterday and bought a fake tree. And I love it. I love that it will always be straight. I love not stressing about watering it. I love that it is the perfect tree shape. I love that it won't drop needles. I love that my cats won't eat it and then barf in the dining room.

Also this weekend I did my annual "toy clean up". This is when I go through and seriously weed out toys to prepare for the incoming ones. I completely cleaned and organized all the toy boxes and baskets. I'm sure no one else notices but I do and it just feels so nice that there is one less source of clutter and mess around for the time being.

I did a lot of other cleaning. The hidden cleaning the people don't really notice like dusting and cleaning floors. And I feel so happy and content. My house feel comfortable and cozy and nice. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. :)

a nice end to a rough day

2008-12-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

I overslept this morning. What a yuck feeling, being comfy and cozy in a nice bed and having to be rushed out of it.

I wanted to do a project with the kiddos, didn't plan it well, and it has to be postponed till tomorrow.

After three weeks (yes WEEKS) of downed service with our cable/internet/phone provider we switched providers and had our install for the new provider today. The guy showed up at 11am, worked, managed to let our small dog escape, and by 6pm still hadn't finished the install. We finally sent him home, eager to have our home, privacy, and quiet back. The baby needed to sleep, we needed to eat. Hub has now been on the phone with the tech support for an hour and I have to go through yet another "install appointment" at some point.

When I went to fetch the escapee dog, who had been picked up by a nice neighbor, I found out that the petty theft crime spree in my neighborhood is worse than I'd thought. Houses are being broken into all over, nearly daily. I live in a nice neighborhood, and thus rarely see a cop. *sigh* Worry worry worry worry. We shall not be putting out our Christmas presents until that morning, that's for sure.

Worked really hard with potty training one of the little girls I watch. Frustrating.

But tonight...

Once the cable guy was gone, I put on my iPod and it, thankfully, played me Iron and Wine and Death Cab and Feist and other mellow things I needed to hear. My son leaned against my side and told me he loved me and we played silly video games for a bit before he fell asleep on me. Small escapee dog curled up next to him. The picture of adorable.

The day was rough but it was worth it to have the last bit be so sweet.

the downsides to good things

2008-12-05T12:36:00.000-08:00

When you have a baby, you long for that night the baby FINALLY sleeps all night.

What you don't realize is that it doesn't mean you'll get a good nights sleep. What it, in fact, means is that you will wake approximately one hour past your baby's normal wake time and realize he hasn't woken, wonder if he died in his sleep, spend twenty minutes trying to convince yourself that you're being ridiculous and paranoid before you finally just get up and put a hand on him and assure yourself he's sleeping. You then get back in bed, wide awake at 3:30am, and count the minutes until the baby ACTUALLY wakes.

cooking

2008-11-27T18:31:00.000-08:00

To my left, a glass of raspberry wine from Casa De Fruta.

In the oven is a tiny little ham, glazed with honey butter and a small green bean casserole. Waiting to be heated are some mini croisants and corn. Sliced in a bowl in my husbands favorite, jellied cranberries.

K is at her dad's this Thanksgiving. It took me years to feel like celebrating the holidays when she was gone. It probably wasn't until E came along that I actually put my heart into any celebrations that were without her. Having little Baby E has made me truly be thankful again, even though I have to be without her.

Tonight, we we have a little private celebration. We aren't going anywhere or doing anything other than being at home, enjoying our boys, and being thankful for one another. Obviously, I'd rather have my daughter with me, too, but even so.....it's not too bad this year. Not too bad at all.

First world problems

2008-11-25T16:23:00.001-08:00

Trying to figure out what I want for my 2nd iPod, a nano or another classic.

shoppy

2008-11-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

With the holidays coming up, I wanted to give a shout out (wut wut!) to two of my new favorite little online shops.........

* Princess Lasertron. Her blog is over in my little sidebar over there, this is her etsy shop. She is so creative and makes the absolute most adorable little pins, bouquets, and other things you've ever seen. I'm always in awe of people with this level of creativity and skill.

* The gang over at Tshirtoutlet.com . It's better than it sounds....it's not overstock or old out of date t's, it's actually cute t shirts, novelty, political, environmental, you name it. Good stuff, great deals. I've already found a handful of t's I've wanted that on other sites were way more expensive. I like a deal and I love this site. Bonus, it's run by really nice people.

Another post on politics

2008-11-17T07:53:00.000-08:00

But this one's about Gun Control.......

I have to credit the awesome Rachel Maddow with pointing this one out.......it's excellent.

Scared that Obama is gonna take away yer guns?? Read this.

Yes, more on Prop. 8

2008-11-07T07:20:00.001-08:00

Worth reposting....Melissa Etheridge blogged about the passage of Prop. 8.

Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books.

Okay, cool I don't mean to get too personal here but there is a lot I can do with the extra half a million dollars that I will be keeping instead of handing it over to the state of California. Oh, and I am sure Ellen will be a little excited to keep her bazillion bucks that she pays in taxes too. Wow, come to think of it, there are quite a few of us fortunate gay folks that will be having some extra cash this year. What recession? We're gay! I am sure there will be a little box on the tax forms now single, married, divorced, gay, check here if you are gay, yeah, that's not so bad. Of course all of the waiters and hairdressers and UPS workers and gym teachers and such, they won't have to pay their taxes either.

Oh and too bad California, I know you were looking forward to the revenue from all of those extra marriages. I guess you will have to find some other way to get out of the budget trouble you are in.

…Really?

When did it become okay to legislate morality? I try to envision someone reading that legislation "eliminates the right" and then clicking yes. What goes through their mind? Was it the frightening commercial where the little girl comes home and says, "Hi mom, we learned about gays in class today" and then the mother gets that awful worried look and the scary music plays? Do they not know anyone who is gay? If they do, can they look them in the face and say "I believe you do not deserve the same rights as me"? Do they think that their children will never encounter a gay person? Do they think they will never have to explain the 20% of us who are gay and living and working side by side with all the citizens of California?

I got news for them, someday your child is going to come home and ask you what a gay person is. Gay people are born everyday. You will never legislate that away.

I know when I grew up gay was a bad word. Homo, lezzie, faggot, dyke. Ignorance and fear ruled the day. There were so many "thems" back then. The blacks, the poor ... you know, "them". Then there was the immigrants. "Them.” Now the them is me.

I tell myself to take a breath, okay take another one, one of the thems made it to the top. Obama has been elected president. This crazy fearful insanity will end soon. This great state and this great country of ours will finally come to the understanding that there is no "them". We are one. We are united. What you do to someone else you do to yourself. That "judge not, lest ye yourself be judged" are truthful words and not Christian rhetoric.

Today the gay citizenry of this state will pick themselves up and dust themselves off and do what we have been doing for years. We will get back into it. We love this state, we love this country and we are not going to leave it. Even though we could be married in Mass. or Conn, Canada, Holland, Spain and a handful of other countries, this is our home. This is where we work and play and raise our families. We will not rest until we have the full rights of any other citizen. It is that simple, no fearful vote will ever stop us, that is not the American way.

Come to think of it, I should get a federal tax break too...

This is not OK

2008-11-05T08:14:00.000-08:00

Everyone should be treated equally under the law.

Everyone should be treated equally under the law.

Everyone should be treated equally under the law.

I voted

2008-11-04T09:04:00.001-08:00

I voted this morning. I was #8 in line when the polling place opened. Everyone was chatting about how excited they were without actually mentioning any names, lest that violate the "no campaigning" rule.

There were "No on 8" people campaigning 101 feet away from the polling place, God bless them.

When I leaving, I walked up to an elderly woman who was volunteering for "No on 8" and thanked her for getting out at the last minute. She told me that was German, having escaped concentration camps when her parents fled with her to the US when she was little. She started tearing up and told me how she had to help Prop. 8 in anyway she could because it was just too much like what the Nazis did to the Jews in Germany.

As I drove off, I saw a house with a "Yes on 8" sign in their yard and I got so mad.

I got to thinking...I feel very uncomfortable having more rights than someone else I know. It's a very uncomfortable feeling knowing that my gay friends don't have the same rights as I do...that they don't get treated the same way as me. What did I do that is so special that I deserve to be treated fairly and they don't?

*sigh*

It was really exciting to vote this morning, but also really scary.

Dirty underhanded lies

2008-11-03T07:46:00.001-08:00

I've been seeing this ad for Prop. 8 here in California on the TV quite a bit lately...

This ad claims that the superintendent of schools, Jack O'Connell, is lying when he says that Prop 8 isn't about instruction and schools. They list the following links off the California Department of Education website as "proof" the schools are required to teach about marriage (at about the 16 second mark):

http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/he/se/sexeducation.asp
http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/he/se/faq.asp
If you are a lifelong California like myself, you've probably been scratching your head about what they heck they are talking about...I certainly wasn't "taught about marriage" in school, and my 9 year old daughter hasn't learned a darn thing about marriage either.

I looked up those links. I think the Yes on Prop 8 people were counting on people NOT actually reading the links and merely just hoping they will be scared into voting yes. Cause here is the text of the first link, it it's enitirety:

Comprehensive Sexual Health Education
Provides information concerning authorized comprehensive sexual health education.

Education Code (EC) 51933 (Outside Source) specifies that school districts are not required to provide comprehensive sexual health education, but if they choose to do so, they shall comply with all of the requirements listed below.

Comprehensive sexual health education instruction shall be age-appropriate and bias-free, and all factual information shall be medically accurate and objective. Instruction shall be appropriate for students of all genders, sexual orientations, and ethnic and cultural backgrounds, and it shall be accessible for English language learner students and students with disabilities. Instruction shall encourage communication between students and their families and shall teach respect for marriage and committed relationships.

In addition, in grades seven to twelve, instruction shall include all of the following: information about the value of abstinence; information about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including all Federal Drug Administration (FDA)-approved methods of reducing the risk of contracting STDs; information about all FDA-approved methods of contraception, including emergency contraception; information about California’s newborn abandonment law (Safe Surrender Law EC 51933 [12]) (Outside Source) and Penal Code 271.5 (Outside Source) and skills for making responsible decisions about sexuality.
Questions

If you don't want to read that whole thing I'll sum it up for you:
It's Education Code about what schools must teach about sex education IF they chose to teach sex ed.

The ONE mention of marriage is that it says "shall teach respect for marriage and committed relationships."

That's it.

And that's code right now. It also has language about respecting people of different sexual orientations. That's the code right now, people. It's the sex ed code. You remember that cheese sex ed class we all had in 6th grade? THAT. That's what they are talking about.

The other link is simple an FAQ about the hows and whys of different policies on the teaching of Sex Ed.

*******************************************************

The folks over at ProtectMarriage.com are counting on voters voting out of fear rather than knowledge. They are counting on voters not actually researching their claims. They are lying to you. They are lying.

Please, if you know someone who is voting yes on Prop.8 because of what they are scared will be taught to children, please encourage them to visit the CDE website and take a look at what is actually mandated. Those codes aren't changing.

Our children will continue to be taught respect for marriage and committed relationships and that already includes same sex relationships. NOTHING about Prop. 8 will impact our schools or our children. Nothing.

Pass it on........

Seriously

2008-11-02T07:32:00.000-08:00

Watched another Palin interview last night.

Can anyone who is voting for McCain please share with me how you justify voting for HER?

I mean......she seems like a nice enough lady. But, come on.....she doesn't know anything. I just watch her interviews and I feel like the Republicans are just playing a huge joke on us or something.

vote...or not

2008-10-29T13:38:00.001-07:00

random

2008-10-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

* New pics up.

* Prop 8 = civilized biggotry. ugh.

* Exciting to see what Barack has to say tonight. John McCain said he wouldn't delay the World Series to talk to people. Because, you know, baseball is far more important than our economy, war, health care.

* Oh Sarah Palin.......

* When will this baby sleep through the night? PLEASE SOON.

* I broke the hell out of my toe the other day. That was not fun.

* Need new music.

stop using my underage daughter as a political tool

2008-10-22T08:56:00.000-07:00

Once again in my state a proposition in on the ballot to mandate adult notification if a minor wants an abortion.

Sadly, in previous elections, this has failed two times and I fear it might fail again.

This measure doesn't even require PARENT notification or ANY adult consent. It just says "Tell an adult before you perform an abortion on a 14 year old". And yet feminists and pro-choicers will tell you this is some women's rights issue and that 14 year olds should be entitled to get invasive medical procedures done without any adult being aware of it.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm NO.

I'm sorry it doesn't tow the line for the pro-choice movement. I'm sorry that pro-choicers are too caught up in their movement to actually apply common sense to and issue that really isn't about abortion at all.

It's been said time and time and time again and yet not one single person who disagrees with these propositions can answer these issues:
Why must 14 year olds get consent for everything from ear piercing to taking asprin, and yet ABORTION is AOK for them?
What happens to the girls who get them, don't tell ANYONE, and then heal badly, get ill, or even worse, die?

A 14 or 15 year old rarely has an accurate enough grasp on reality to really thoughtfully judge how their parent will respond in this extreme situation. SURE plenty of teens don't want to tell their parents. NO SHIT. Plenty of them would get in trouble, plenty of them would suffer long lectures and groundings and other things that teenagers find TRULY horrible. Do I agree with those? Not necessarily. But do I think that they should then be able to get an invasive medical procedure without an adult knowing about it? NO!

I'm so sick whenever this issue comes up. I hate that the pro-choice movement wants to endanger my daughter for the sake of their cause.

My daughter is 9 and she's scared to tell me when she loses her camera. Cause she get's in trouble. And that's hard for her. It doesn't make it ok that she doesn't tell me. If she was 15 and got pregnant I bet she wouldn't want to tell me that either. I bet she'd be really scared. That doesn't make it ok for someone to perform a medical procedure on her with out my consent. It just doesn't.

Ugh. I'm just so frustrated with this crap. I'm so fed up with these band-aid fixes. I'm so pissed that my daughter is being used as a political tool. I just hate it.

approach

2008-10-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

When we see Sarah Palin and John McCain talking about "reaching across the aisle" they often infuse their talk with confrontational words. They, more often than not, talk about how they are going to get in people faces, they are going to offend, they are going to do stuff wether people like it or not, they are going to raise hell.

When Obama and Biden talk about healing bipartisanship, they talk about cooperation, healing, and working together.

I don't understand why Republicans are proud of their image as confrontational assholes. I don't understand why anyone, after the past 8 years, thinks being the worlds douchebag is a good idea.

WHAT?

2008-10-06T14:38:00.001-07:00

I decided to take a look at the "Yes on Prop 8"/Protect Marriage website. I encourage you to do the same. Not because I think you should vote yes on 8 if you're a Californian but because I feel like it's good to know all sides of an issue.

When I took a look at the Protect Marriage site, I fully expected it to be a well crafted argument against gay marriage.

It's not.

Take a look at their commercial:

"Imposed" same sex marriage? Acceptence is "mandatory"? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT!?

The "Yes on 8" folks seem to be trying to mislead conservative voters by making them believe that they will legally "have to" be ok with gay marriage. I don't even get what they mean by having same sex marriage "imposed" on us.....like, what, we'll be forced to go gay? We'll be legally mandated to buy them all blenders?

If you look through the site, there is a lot of talk about teaching kids gay marriage. That, because kids learn about marriage, they'll be taught about GAY MARRIAGE.

Really, what do conservatives think that HONESTLY means? Do they think that suddenly kindergarten curriculum will include gay porn?

The reality is that gay marriage doesn't change anything about marriage for you or me or millions of other Californians. It doesn't do a thing to my marriage, it does not change any definitions for me or you, and it doesn't really impact our day to day lives at all. Period.

The reality is that gay marriage doesn't impact what is taught to my kids either. They will learn that ANYONE can get married rather than just boys to girls. THAT'S ALL. Oh, the horror.

I don't really think that the Yes on Prop 8 people realize that their website is as embarrassing as it is. But, even worse, I would be willing to bet that there are thousands of conservatives out there who are unwilling to look further into this that the highly misleading ad campaign ProtectMarriage.com has going on, and are actually being duped into believing their half-truths and twisted words. Sad.

It's ok to not like gay marriage. It's ok if you think it's an abomination. That's fine. Think that. Defeating Prop 8 won't change that. You won't have to like gay marriage, heck you won't even have to like gays.

But, it's not ok to deny your peers basic civil rights simply because you don't happen to "believe" in their lifestyle.

good grief

2008-10-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

Do republicans ENJOY looking stupid?

I'd like to see Elizabeth Hasslebeck defend this steaming pile of crap.......

'bye

2008-09-24T12:59:00.000-07:00

When someone dies, it's always so hard to get over replaying that last time you saw them or spoke to them. Wishing you would have done it differently or said something more.

It's hard not to get caught up in the thoughts of "If I only would have done XXX, he might still be here".

Diaper Drama

2008-09-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know (and you probably don't) I'm a cloth diapering mama. I love it. It's addictive.

Cloth diapering isn't what it was when you and I were kids, oh no. There are about a million different kinds of diapers and a million different makers. I'm a pocket user. I user Blueberry Diapers and Green Acre Design diapers almost exclusively.

I also belong to a message board called Diaperswappers, and it's pretty much what it says it is...it's a message board for cloth diapering mamas to come together, buy, sell, trade, and talk diapers. Fun times.

Recently, I wanted to try a new diaper (JamTots Berry Plush to be exact) and so I checked the ol' boards on Diaperswappers. Lo and behold a woman with the user name Pamperedshell was selling a ton. In fact, it looked like she was selling her entire stash (thats what us cloth diapering mamas call our collection of dipes...our stash).

So, like any transaction on the site, I got her PayPal address, sent her some money and I went on my merry way.

Well, a week and a half later, I hadn't gotten my diaper, which is fairly weird for that site so I emailed her. No reply. I started looking around the site and found out the worst...

Pamperedshell was a scammer. Every single one of her diapers had been sold. None had been received. And when those of us who she'd sold to got together and talked, we realized she'd sold many of the diapers two or three times over, to the tune of over $1000.

As the weeks went on we found out it went deeper. The diapers she'd sold us? She'd actually just bought off the site herself. She then claimed she never received them and filed claims with PayPal. On all of them. What that meant that normal moms who just thought they were selling diapers had their money taken from their PayPal accounts and had their accounts frozen. Not cool.

We started putting out feelers around the web and found out more. This women, Michelle Hidalgo, had actually bought diapers in brick and mortar stores as well, and then called her credit card company and had chargebacks issued or she just plain wrote bad checks for them.

Some women were told by PayPal reps that she had over 100 claims against her on her PayPal account by this time.

All over cloth diapers.

It's really frustrating because PayPal doesn't cover jack shit. They don't protect anyone but themselves. So those of us who were scammed into buying diapers she was never going to send are out money. Some women are out over $100 each. And the women who sold to her now have damaged PayPal accounts they need to fix and they are out money AND diapers.

And Michelle Hidalgo sits in her Arizona home, with all these fancy diapers, and not only did she not pay a penny for them, she MADE money off of them. LOTS of money.

The most frustrating part is that it seems like she might just get away with it. I mean, how seriously are the police going to take a diaper crime?

So there you have it. There is big money in cloth diapers, if ya didn't know. And big time scammers.

Michelle lives with her husband Martin in either Anthem or Phoenix Arizona. She's young, 25 I think, and just had her 4th kid. If you happen to live in those areas and you run into her can you ask her to give me my money back, please?

tired

2008-09-15T12:38:00.001-07:00

Last night I was so tired that when I woke up at 2am to feed the baby, I had the feeling you get when your body feels like it's lead and it's melded to the bed.

srsly

2008-09-10T16:20:00.001-07:00

why AREN'T more people talking about this? I mean, John McCain is alright, I guess, but he's 72. SEVENTY TWO.

Vote the party line if you want, but do you REALLY want President Palin?

proud vagina-american here

2008-09-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

probably nsfw

break ups

2008-09-01T19:49:00.001-07:00

I was catching up on my "This American Life" podcasts today and listened to the episode on break-ups. People talking about their break-ups, how they got over them, watching other people break up. Good stuff.

It got me thinking about the worst break-up I ever had.

I had started dating this guy my freshman or sophomore year of college. I'd known him in high school...he was an upper classman and I had a huge crush on him. He ended up rooming with a friend of mine when he went away to college and eventually we started dating.

We'd been together almost a year, talked of marriage and a future of course. It was all very cliche, "first serious relationship" kind of stuff.

So when we broke up, it was very long and drawn out and horrific and painful. Of course.

But the night we finally actually ended it, I was home alone. My roommates were all gone. Even though he and I lived a block away from one another, we spent hours on the phone hashing things out, crying, yelling, and generally being very emo about the whole thing.

I got off the phone and laid in the dark in my living room. And I played "The Dance" by Garth Brooks over and over and over and over, crying and crying. Oh Garth Brooks, how well he expressed my angst.

It's funny...when I think about "my worst break up" that is the one that comes to mind. Even though I had plenty more years of break ups, a couple more grown up relationships, a couple longer relationships. That was the one that just killed me. It took me so long to get over it. (In fact, we ended up dating on and off for several more years even though it was obvious it was just dead).

I guess it was that it was my first real, "grown up" relationship. I'd had one boyfriend before him...my high school boyfriend who was immature, smoked pot a lot, and cheated on me more. We spent lots of time sneaking around, staying out too late, and lying to our parents about things.

But with my worst break up guy.....it was the first time I'd been in a grown up relationship. We talked about marriage and he bought me a ring. We went out or stayed in and, being that I was 19 and he was 21, we had no one to answer to. We'd have wine with dinner and shop for things for our apartments.

In hind site, It was so silly and scary to think we'd marry. If I'd married him, I would not have grown much as a person. I may never have left my hometown even.

Anyways....yeah......worst break up. I was 19. It was silly.

thoughts

2008-08-26T20:42:00.001-07:00

Seriously. What is this country going to do with not only a president who is amazingly intelligent and articulate.....but a first lady who is equally so!!???

wants/needs

2008-08-21T16:51:00.000-07:00

You know what I want? No no....you know what I NEED?

I need to find someone who truly understands what it's like to be forced to subject yourself to emotional and mental abuse for a decade. I need to find someone who understands what it's like to have made a truly bad mistake. I need to find someone who will honestly tell me "No, it's not wrong that you want to be treated with some respect". I need someone who will stand up to him and tell him "How you treat her is wrong". I need him to listen when he's told that. I need him to apologize. I need him to mean it when he does. I need someone to tell me, honestly, "No, it doesn't make you a bad mom to want to be treated like a human". I need someone to tell the world "She's the one who sacrificed her entire life for that baby". I need someone to take out a full page ad in the paper, detailing the time he drug me through court. I need him to speak to me like he speaks to me in front of witnesses. I need to tell her "Don't think this can't be you in 10 years". I need him to realize I'm his peer, not his servant. I need his family to stop being two-faced. I need to sit and talk with someone who will listen and not tell me how I just need to suck it up and taking the beatings for another decade. Or more.

I wonder sometimes if there is anyone else in the world who has an ex as vile and evil as mine. I wonder if there is anyone out there who has to deal with this level of immorality and unethical behavior and this level of disrespect and abuse.

I wonder what he tells himself to make it ok to set this example for our daughter.

the buck keeps going and going and going and going and...

2008-08-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

There is a new phenomena in "customer service" lately. What is it? It's giving out craptastically bad, inaccurate information and not giving a crap. Ok, honestly, I have no idea if this is new or if it's always been this way.

Case in point:

I called my dental insurance a few weeks ago to find out my benefits because I wanted to set up some appointments. They said "Preventative is covered and then you have a cap of $2k on work done" and they rattled of the list of percentages at which they cover things. You know, 80% for crowns, 90% for fillings, etc etc etc.

I made an appointment and my dentist called to confirm my benefits. They were told the same thing. So, when I showed up and had my appointment, they set up a nice little treatment plan for me based on my benefits that they were told.

Well, part of that was oral surgery. At my consult with the oral surgeon today, they mention they are using my entire benefit for the procedure. What? "Yeah" says the lovely assistant "We're using all of your $1000". Wait, what? I have $2k!

Except that when I got home and called them, the next random lady I talked to says "You have $1000 total, including any cleanings". Of course I get a little ticked...this isn't what I was told two weeks ago. This isn't what my dentist was told a week ago.

But what do I get?

"Well I have no way of knowing what someone else told you, all I know is what it shows in front of me. Do you have any other questions?"

Thank goodness I hadn't gotten any thing done yet.

And this happens to me all the time...I call the bank or the phone company or something, get information, act on it, and then later will get told "Oh that person told you wrong, oops, sorry if you're screwed but it's not our problem".

When I find a company that actually takes responsibility for training it's employees and fixing their mistakes, I swear I'll spend all my money with THEM. It probably will never happen.

weekend

2008-08-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we cleaned like mad...the floors, the yard, the kitchen, the bedrooms. The house got cleaned over more than it has in a long time. There are few better feelings for me than being in my house when it's clean clean clean.

We had some friends over last night for a "Rock Band" party. Some yummy food and lots of somewhat nerdy rocking out. Of course, lots of fun.

My two older kids are away visiting grandma and grandpa for the weekend. And even though only one of us had to get up with the baby this morning, we both got up at 6am, threw on some sweats, and went for a walk to enjoy the cool morning and get some coffee.

Getting home, we lazed around for a while, occasionally getting up to do a small chore. It sure is nice having a Sunday in which no major house work has to get done.

My wonderful husband has taken on baby duty most of the day, so I've spent a lot of time sitting, playing on the internet, and doing things I wanted to do, one of which was clean up the garage. Still in my grubby sweats (thank goodness) I organized and swept. Found some things I forgot I had.

Took a long hot shower in the middle of the afternoon and lunched on party left-overs. Yum.

Baby is waking from his afternoon nap...

too fast

2008-08-11T14:34:00.001-07:00

He's 7 weeks old.
He weighs almost 13lbs.
He smiles.

Pretty soon he'll be walking and telling me no.

black and blue

2008-08-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Emotionally, I'm pretty low right now. I have times of being up, but those are just small points in between the larger points of being generally low. Cranky, irritable, touchy, sensitive, reactionary, weepy. My husband said out loud what I was thinking in my head...post partum depression.

I know that I had it pretty badly with my last baby and I remember now that it didn't kick in right away...after the initial baby bliss wore off and after my hormones settled a bit, they settled into depression.

I think I'm there again. It doesn't help that I have a giant stretched out mushy gut that I can't make attractive in any sort of clothing. It doesn't help that I got a hair cut this weekend that I loathe and makes me feel profoundly ugly.

I feel ugly and sad and most definitely like I want to curl up in my room with my "Friends" dvds and not come out for a long, long time.

The baby is difficult, he's so much like his brother, and I am not dealing with that very well. With my older son, it was a great unknown...how long he would be difficult for, why, all of it. With this new one, I look at him and think "You want me to deal with another screaming hysterical infant for HOW LONG?".

***************************************************************

It's funny how we go through all these things, some really terrible things, that are the result of bring a baby into the world and yet we never blame them. Of course we don't...but it is kind of funny to me that more moms aren't a little bit bitter at their children. They stretch you out, tear you open, make you a hormonal mess....and how can you blame them? You can't...........

it's true

2008-07-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

As cliche as it sounds, the one thing I've realized is that there are few things more attractive in a man than him being a good father.

doggies

2008-07-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

I returned to the shelter I volunteer at today for the first time since the baby came. It was fun but so sad. One entire side of kennels is filled with little dogs..chihuahuas, doxies, poms........everything. Purebred dogs. Sweet, adorable little dogs. People who avoid shelters because "You can't get a purebred dog" and "They all are abused and will bite you!" make me want to scream. I'm sure you've heard it already, but there are so many dogs and cats in shelters now because of the housing crash...people getting their American dream foreclosed on, and having to move into rental housing that won't take pets.

I fell in love with this little girl...hopefully she'll get adopted soon and take the temptation away from me..

Yes, she is doing tricks for the camera. What a doll.

damn siamese dream was good

2008-07-19T22:07:00.000-07:00

Oh Billy, why'd you have to go and go crazy. I blame Courtney.

I become one of those moms.

2008-07-15T09:36:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry for the silence, I haven't a lot to say. My days are busy, I've been rethinking a lot of things in life. I've been dealing with healing...physically, emotionally, mentally...from this birth. I try not to obsess about the things I cannot control and instead try to appreciate where I am and what I have. I sit in my rocking chair with a tiny baby sleeping against me, smelling his sweet little head. I stroke his face and kiss him too much, I probably should be bathing him more. I watch his little movements and try to remember what they felt like when he made those movements inside me. I'm glad he's out.

It's weird to say "I'm busy" when sometimes all the "busy" I am is holding the baby and comforting him. Motherhood truly is a full time job.

city love

2008-06-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

This morning, I rediscovered my friend Pete's photoblog site.

Trapped in the house for most of the week, watching out the window as the state burns down, it's been easy to get down on the place I live. Pete reminds me why I love being a California girl so much. I can't wait until we're all more settled and I'm more mobile and I can get down the The City with my family.

love love

2008-06-27T14:58:00.001-07:00

I am completely enamoured with my new baby. He makes the cutest little noises and it's kind of funny when he gets all mad. He hates having his diaper changed. His big brother would scream bloody murder for hours and you couldn't fix it. It was so hard and stressful. With this guy, though, everything he gets worked up about it something I can fix. It's a relief so far *knock wood*.

It helps because my body is kind of worked right now. I won't go into TMI levels of detail, but suffice it to say I have a hard time sitting and walking. It's getting better, but it's still pretty painful. It's nice that I have a somewhat easy baby to deal with while healing up.

It's so crazy to look at him and think about how he'll be a funny little kid someday. It all goes by so fast.

welcome home

2008-06-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome Little E, who came into the world not so little at10lbs 15oz,yesterday morning.

mama mundanery

2008-06-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

Kid funny:

My son kept seeing these fists you put on to be like The Hulk and he kept calling them punchies. So then he started seeing other Hulk merch and started saying "Hey! That's Punchie!"

Last night, my husband tried to correct him and say "No, that's the Hulk"

So my son, who is ALWAYS right says "Yeah, Punchie the Hook!"

So, The Hulk is now Punchie the Hook in our house. Not quite as menacing a nickname I supposed.

Inspired

2008-06-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

I am so inspired by this man.

This is the first time in my life I've ever donated to a campaign. We did it a few months ago, and with this announcement, yes, I will be donating again. It IS a broken system and we HAVE seen that little old normal people CAN make a difference.

Just inspiring.

it's my birthday

2008-06-17T13:38:00.001-07:00

I didn't want to be in labor on my birthday. So far, I'm not. So...I guess that's a good thing. We didn't make plans because we figured we'd have a newborn. Oh well.

I was out and about yesterday running errands. Three times I had people give me an apauled look and make comments about "When are YOU due!??". I stupidly answered honestly. Each time the person's first response was "Oh, are they going to induce you?".

No. "They" aren't going to do anything to me. For petes sake, I'm not even an entire week past due, and I'm supposed to be drug in and induced? Each person said that, it was crazy. It's considered normal. "Oh baby doesn't come on the magic date, INDUCE!!!!".

Wow.

One women asked enough questions to find out I was planning a home birth and said "So...you're not going to get ANYTHING!?". As in....it was shocking to her that I was actually not going to take drugs. It's so normal to drug yourself in labor that I'm a freak for not doing it.

We live in a wacky world.

patience...........

2008-06-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning, I was awoken at about 3am but some yucky cramps. I laid there trying to ignore them when I realized "Oh wait, these are contractions". They got too uncomfortable to rest through so I got up and walked around. After an hour or so, I lost my mucus plug (sorry, TMI I know). Another hour, I was till dealing with contractions that left me stopping and breathing through them, so I woke the husband and started calling some family.

And, just to show me how different each labor is....my noon my contractions had all but stopped. I took a nap and *poof* they were gone.

I still held out hope because with my previous two labors, when I lost my plug, I was in labor within a day, but alas this baby is out to prove all previous rules to be wrong.

So my yesterday evening we were looking at our umpteen millionth walk around the block and I just gave up. I'm not going to force this. Sitting around watching your belly waiting for it to DO SOMETHING is no fun. Nothing is wrong, it's just different.

I was so moody and cranky and when I finally told my husband "Look, I don't want to try to MAKE this happen" we actually talked and I laughed for the first time that day.

Yesterday was tense and hard. Today I pretended it didn't happen and it was a normal day. Normal...still uncomfortable, still wanting to hold my baby in my arms...but no stressing about labor and getting things ready and having relatives on call. I told everyone that it was a false alarm and all the emails and phone calls stopped and my life has gone back to normal.

I'm bummed because I wanted a nice weekend labor. And, my birthday is on Tuesday and I really really don't want to have to labor on my birthday. And, I know it sounds awful, I really don't want to SHARE my birthday either. So that is on my mind. But...oh well. If it happens that way, so be it I guess.

I'm exhausted. I really would like to lay in bed and sleep for a good couple of days. We'll see if things work out that way.

So I'm still here, and still giant, and still waiting. But I'm not going to worry about it. It'll happen when it happens. Babies come. No one ever stayed pregnant forever.

due date/breaking point

2008-06-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

I really didn't think working up until my due date would be all that bad. With K, I was in college, and really, it's not the same, but I did go up until the day before I delivered her. In hind site, I realize I was doted upon. My professors gave me extra desks to put my feet on and allowed me to be as late as I needed to be in order to waddle across campus. My friends and fellow students always made sure I never had to get up for anything. I'd waddle from building to building and then sit, put my feet up, and have people get my books, papers, food, whatever. I was working at the radio station and I'd show up, sit in my office, and have dear friends offer to bring me whatever I needed.

And, hell, I was 22. I started that pregnancy thin and in shape and totally blank.

Two pregnancies later and I entered this one out of shape, over weight, with a herniated disc that was not healed. With E I was out of work by my 4th or 5th month so I was just sitting around eating ho ho's and getting fat. Not to bad a gig. K was a non-demanding 4 year old who helped me with everything she could. Now I have E, who is a very demanding just-turned 4 year old who really doesn't give a crap that mama is giant and tired and crabby.

I want so badly to go to bed and not leave it until the baby comes out. It's so hard to get out of bed every morning, I'm so tired. I feel this huge pressure every night to sleep well and when I can't all I can do is dwell on how the hell I'm going to function the next day on so little sleep.

I don't like asking for help and there is a horrible little part of me in the back of my head that feels like I shouldn't have to ask. But I do. Because I'm the only person in this house who notices that E peed on the the bathroom floor yesterday or that it's covered in dog hair. Every day I walk into that bathroom and want to cry because if I have to labor on that floor, I don't know what I'll do. But if I ask my husband to clean it up, I'm a bad wife and I'm too demanding. Part of me feels like I've carried this baby for all this time, I deserve a break, but asking for a break means asking my husband to pull the entire weight for the entire house and I can't ask that. So I just mentally seethe and stew over how the hell I'm going to get my girth onto the ground to clean that shit and then how the hell I'm going to get back up, not to mention all the chemicals I'll be inhaling and affecting the baby with.

I feel like I ought to be able to sit and do nothing. Nothing is easy anymore. With E I didn't work and was bored, but now I'm working and I'm so tired and all I can do is look around and see the things that aren't getting done. The house keeping is slowly slipping away from me and all I can think of is how horrible it will be two days after I've had this kid and how I just can't physically do so much stuff right now.

I feel like I have these horribly pulled muscles in my chest or something. The spot where the top of my uterus covers my rib cage. It's pain all the time. Burning, searing, un-ignorable pain all the time.

My rug hasn't been vaccuumed in days.

I swept yesterday only to realize what a pain in the ass it was to bend over and sweep the dirt into the dust pan. I fell over and hit my head on the fridge. And then, of course, had to spend 5 minutes getting myself up off the floor.

No one I spend my days with cares. The animals just cry at me for attention or food. The kids have their own owies they want addressed. My husband wants to come home from HIS day of work and rest. So I can't. I feel like I should but I can't.

I never wanted to be a pregnant lady who required special attention or whined about how pregnancy is hard, but this is all too much for me. My giant ankles and feet always catch my eye and remind me I'm on my feet too much, I'm not taking care of myself enough. Then my house reminds me I have more work to do. Then my daily charges show up, one by one, reminding me I cannot be selfish, I cannot sit in bed with my feet up like I'd like to, I have to struggle up and down from the floor all day playing ring-around-the-rosie and reading stories.

I feel like if I could just lift this giant mass off me, just for an hour or so, I could get a nice comfortable nap and all would be right with the world.

I'm scared of what will be expected of me in the days after this baby comes.

hurry up and wait

2008-06-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

I'm still here, still pregnant. Nothing new. Just waiting.

For anyone interested in the details...I have never been checked, so I have no idea how dilated I am or if I am at all. Last week or so I began having fairly regular contractions of some sort...Braxton-Hicks? I don't know. I like to think my body is giving me a painless labor this time. :D

something you might not know (or care about)

2008-06-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

My husband and I recently got into a little spat because I don't like watching new things. I don't really like movies and I have a hard time even with new TV shows.

I don't know what that says about me.

I can tell you that part of it is that it feels like a lot of pressure to sit down and watch something new, because I feel like I have to pay attention. And in my life, it's hard to pay attention. I have kids or cats or dogs or a husband constantly talking at me. I have things to do around the house, I can't just SIT for an hour or more and focus on the stupid TV. I can't ignore my children and blast the TV just so I get the whole plot of some new TV show I'm watching.

Sometimes, it's sleep that I can't ignore.

Little known fact about smarmy mama: nearly every night, I put on a DVD of "Friends" and watch it till I fall asleep.

It doesn't take that long. An episode or two. And episode that I've probably seen two dozen times or more.

For the past few years, I've been going through the seasons of "Friends", in order, and just watching them. And re-watching them.

That's what I do most every night. Around 8:30, I climb into bed, check my email one final time, and then put on whatever disc of "Friends" I'm on and go to sleep. Usually laughing. Oh yes, I still find them quite funny.

So there you go, people. Probably the lamest, nerdiest, most un-cool thing about me. I habitually watch old episodes of "Friends". To the point of not even being able to watch NEW TV shows. Because...they aren't "Friends". I can't count on them to make me laugh, I have to pay absolute attention to them, and I can't fall asleep in the middle of them.

being there

2008-06-05T07:58:00.001-07:00

I want to be there...

Sometimes I forget what a radical notion it is to birth one's child peacefully. To have your partner whispering encouragement into your ear rather than hospital staff telling you what you may or may not do. To have your baby emerge and just be, instead of shown to you for an obligatory period of time and then taken and man-handled.

I was talking to a friend who is also pregnant. She is pregnant with her second child and is so anxious about the birth and the pain and the whole event. So anxious. Daily she comments to me about how I am so relaxed. How can I not be stressing out about what's to come, she asks. Because it just happens, I reply.

See, she's never done it on her own, it was never her experience. She entered the hospital when she was 2 hours into labor and then it was no longer hers to own. And now she's doing it again and should feel experienced and powerful and instead she's scared and anxious.

And they say that there is nothing important to be gained from normal birth.

I know it will be hard. I hope it will be short. But I've done it. Twice. And I can do it again. So there is no need to worry or be scared. Why would I be scared to do something I know I'm capable of doing?

I just want to be there. I want to get through it, again. I look forward to those moments between contractions. I look forward to this baby coming and climbing into my bed with him. I'm ready to be there.

nesty

2008-06-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's June. I can say "I'm due this month" if I really feel like it.

When people ask me when I'm due, my general response is something along the lines of "In a week or two" and I always get strange looks. I think it's because people are used to hearing an exact date. A couple of times I've gotten "Yeah, but what date did THEY give you?" or "Did they give you an exact date?". Who's they and how to THEY know when my baby will be ready?

This weekend I wanted to get everything done, so we shopped like fools. In theory, I really have no real need to step outside this house again all month. Baby's clothes and diapers are all washed. I could still use some crib sheets and a baby bath, but those are things that I don't need immediately anyway.

I prepped the car seat last night and it's ready to be installed. Although, I may just leave it in the house so we can adjust it in here with the baby in it rather than when we happen to be in a rush to go somewhere. I don't know.

I drug the hub to Trader Joes with me last night and we filled two carts. He hates shopping with me but I think after he saw how much I intended to buy, he was glad he came with me. He would have felt really guilty making me carry all those groceries alone.

We went out to chinese last night and I think that it was not so good for me. I'd like to think that my body was cleaning out in preparation for birth. And I did have a couple contractions last night (BH?) but........nothing. Now I'm just insanely tired/exhausted/pooped/worn out. I don't think my body would prepare me for labor my totally wearing me out.

I feel really out of expectations for this baby and my labor. I come from a long line of women who had two babies, five years apart, girl then boy, with the first coming late and the second coming early and the second labor being easier and faster than the first. While my logical side knows that I can't rely on that to be the barometer of my pregnancies and births, my emotional side (which is my more predominant side) really held onto those family "truths". But.....I come from a long line of women who've only had two children. So there is no precedent for the third. I can't look to any of them and know that their third baby was early or late or the labors were fast or slow or anything. With E, I knew he'd be a he, I knew he wouldn't be late, I knew the labor would be shorter. I knew because that's what happened to every other woman before me. But...I have no idea what to expect with this guy (who, by the way, is going to have to be called Little E on this blog since we picked another E name).

With Big E, I knew I wouldn't be waiting much past 38 or 39 weeks. I have no feeling or intuition about this guy. I kind of wish I did. K made me wait till nearly 43 weeks and I really really really would like to NOT wait that long this time around, but I have no idea if he's SUPPOSED to be that late or not.

Overthinking.

So to sum up in case you were wondering...yes I'm still pregnant. And tired. And really uncomfortable. I feel like this may be my biggest kid yet, I cannot fathom how there is any room in there for him left to grow. All I feel is baby.

lies and deception

2008-05-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

I need to decompress, I need to get this out. It may be rambly and disjointed, who knows. My head is spinning right now, I feel...dazed. Angry. Sad. Stumped. Stunned.

I had mediation with K's dad today about the issue I'd mentioned earlier...moving her school.

We went in and he lied. A lot. He sat there and flat out lied about...everything. He started off by dragging out issues that have nothing to do with anything, exagerating them, fabricating details. It was all so surreal. In real life, we've been talking about this for months, we've toured the school I want her to go to, he said to me on more than one occasion that he was "leaning towards" moving her. And yet we went in and he pretended like none of that happened.

I don't even know how to counter that. If I argue it and I provide the truth, it just turns into this big "he said/she said" thing. And I feel like I look like an idiot. If I say nothing.....does it validate his lies? I don't know.

I just felt caught off guard. And I shouldn't. I know this. I know his MO. He lies to me to get me to act and then he brings it up in front of the court to discredit me and lies about his involvement in the first place.

He brought his new girlfriend to the mediation. She, of course, did not participate. She's pregnant and they are having a baby in the fall. What an odd place to chose to introduce the mothers of your children.

When I left, I wanted to shake her and say "Don't think you're above this. Don't think he won't do this to you someday". But of course she's in love with him and having his baby and would never hear that. Given how he lies in front of me, I can only imagine what he's said about me to her or his family and friends. He's convincing. He seems so sincere. I guess that's why I've wasted 10 years giving him chance after to chance to act human.

It's somewhat vindicating......I've said all along he can't be trusted. I've said all along he'll stab me in the back every time he gets the chance. My family and friends have always urged me to "take the high road" and "give him another chance". Finally, they are all seeing what I've been saying for years...he'll never change. He just gets worse. He's deceptive and untrustworthy and ruthless and doesn't care about me or my family. He'll never understand how his actions that try to destroy me hurt K as well.

I feel like I need to sleep for a million days now. It's so hard and stressful to go through this. Now depending on what the report says, we have to go to court again. I'm not looking forward to that. It's so hard, so stressful, so draining.

All this because he feels he needs to protect her from me. He cannot possibly fathom that as her mother, I might just have her best interest at heart. He cannot imagine that I might actually be able to make decision for her. Because it comes from me, it's a bad decision by default. Always. He'll never let that go. That's all he has I guess. All these years of bitterness are built on him believing that I'm detrimental to my own child. I guess he has to hang on to that because if he let go of that, everything he knows about me and our life would fall apart.

I'm posting this everywhere.

2008-05-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

If you don't read the Feminist Breeder Blog, then you missed this. And you NEED to read it.

Just.........maddening, inspiring, terrifying, sad......amazing.

People think women like me are just crazy hippies who are just extremists and/or alarmists. But this is what happens every day in delivery rooms across America, but usually with women who just aren't as informed and aren't as strong. That's not an insult...the resolve this mom shows is super human, no one could be expected to stand up to the threats and bullying she did. I don't know if I would be able to stay as strong as she did.

Most women go into this, and they believe the dead baby scare tactics, they don't want the authority figure here to think they are a bad or selfish mom, and they allow their bodies to be cut for no reason.

We all need to know that we can be good moms AND advocates for our health and the health of our children. Doctors sometimes are unethical, sometimes they stretch the truth. And it happens more than we think.

srsly

2008-05-19T15:27:00.001-07:00

this is one of the best ones in ages......I lol'd

more cat pictures

Answer me this

2008-05-16T06:24:00.001-07:00

I was reading "Our Endangered Values" by Jimmy Carter the other day...written from the perspective of a very devout Christian, and even President Carter has this to ask...

We oppose gay marriage because it is a sin, right? And yet we're all sinners, right? And marriage continues to be ripped apart left and right by divorce, right?

So, why do fundie Christians not focus their efforts on banning divorce? God thinks that's a sin as well. God does not place a greater value on one sin or the other, man does. In God's eyes, sin is sin is sin, right?

Why don't they promote legislation that disallows divorce? Or maybe makes it so that if you get divorced, you can't ever get the legal benefits of marriage again?

Or, as the former President asks, why not let church and state be separate and allow civil unions and the right that go along with them to all and reserve "holy matrimony" as a blessing to be bestowed by the church? Because, as Christians, do we REALLY want the Supreme Court interpreting the Word for us and passing laws saying how we much obey it?

Really, though...I don't understand why Christians who fight gay marriage so much don't fight divorce. Really. I mean, it's caused far more destruction of family values and I really don't even know if mainstream Americans know what it means to have "sanctity of marriage".

Honestly....why?

tired

2008-05-15T08:26:00.001-07:00

I'm really far far too tired to be anything resembling useful today.

tick tock

2008-05-12T07:52:00.001-07:00

The baby is due in about a month-ish.

I'm anxious as hell.

For some reason, I feel like I'm missing something. Which is just insane...this is the first time that I didn't have a shower and, instead, went out and splurged on every baby thing I've ever wanted and yet I feel like I'm missing something. Maybe it's just the staring at the swing and crib and carrier each day and seeing them empty and unused so far.

I'm incredibly anxious about breastfeeding this baby. I would never call myself a "successful" breastfeeder. With my oldest, sure I did it, but it was mightily painful for months. For no apparent reason. Who knows...maybe I wasn't surrounded with the most informative people, I don't know. But it hurt for a long time. Ultimately my fair skin was put to blame and I just had to deal with it. With the second baby, his mouth was all messed up when he was born so he couldn't. It was really devistating for me. On day four or five, my midwives arrived to check up on us. They walked in and accusatorily said "Why are their BOTTLES here???". Even though I probably could have used their advice on how to heal, I didn't show them my butchered breasts, and what my son's malformed mouth did to them. So this time around I'm just anxious. My husband has mad a few joking comments about how I'd "better" be able to this time because formula is so damn expensive. And most of the women I associate with lean towards the "Boob Nazi" persuasion and "accept no excuses" for not BFing. Yeah. I'm stressed.

I'm also officially at that point that all pregnant women get to and proceed to annoy the crap out of all around them....I'm DONE. I want the baby out. OUT OUT OUT. I'm tired of feeling like a beached whale getting out of chairs and bed. I am tired of having zip for clothing options because nothing covers my belly anymore. (side note: SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, I cannot be the only pregnant woman in the history of time to get this big...WHY DONT MATERNITY CLOTHES COVER MY BELLY!!!?) I'm tired of looking at my cankles and thinking how I should be off my feet and I'm tired of having to take Tums with every freaking meal.

I'm ready to recover. I'm ready to take time off work and lay in bed for days.

*sigh*

Just a few more weeks........

pregnancy wank: I hate Motherhood Maternity

2008-05-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

I really really really really really really really really hate Motherhood Maternity. I knew I hated them back when I had E, but now with the new baby...well I guess it's been so long and I had been in there that I forgot how utterly craptastic they are.

Their sales girls are PUSHY and ANNOYING. Are they paid on commission? I don't know, but it sure seems that way. The store nearest me is generally staffed by 21 year old college girls who haven't had babies. And yet they will talk to you about the wonders of their nursing bras and maternity jammies. I swear, the last time I was there, a tiny little thing called Amber tried to tell me how much she loved her layering cami and she wore it every day nearly. Tiny little 100lb, never had kids Amber talking to giant old having her third kid me. I wanted to smack her a little bit. Or maybe just sit on her.

I mean, it's one thing to staff your store with random chicks, but don't have them pretend to know the struggles of dressing an 8 month pregnant frame, ok?

Then there is the price VS. quality factor. The quality is crap, the prices are high. Oh hey! Seriously, it's poorly made, thin, shrinks horribly, irregularly sized crap. It's like the Rave of the maternity world and yet they charge you, like, $60 for a piece of crap, thin as hell jersey dress. I have two of their "basic t's" that have shrunk so badly that the last time I wore them, my friends thought I was wearing normal people clothes.

And then there is their world class customer service. And by "world class" I mean "pretty shitty". First, there is the aforementioned pushy, annoying sales girls. Ok, fine.

Well one time I wrote them and kind of complained about the pushy sales girls and they wrote back. You know what they said? "Too bad". NICE.

I wrote Home Depot once and said how their customer service at the store near me sucked and you know what they did? Sent me a gift card. Motherhood tells you "Too bad".

I went to another location the other week and they didn't have any of the sizes for anything I needed (yes, I was stupid to go in anyways knowing how much they suck).

So, as I'm walking out of the ol' dressing room, the lady says "How'd you do" and I say "I need other sizes in these that you don't have" and she says sorry and takes them.

I go home and order the sizes I need. I get them yesterday. One of the items fits HORRIBLY. So I go over my packing slip to find out how to return it and OH I have 10 days and OH I can't return it to the store for a refund, only store credit except OH it's a bra and in that case I can't return it to the store AT ALL.

Great. So basically, they take their customers, who are generally on a short time frame for actually needing their product, and they make it nearly impossible to get items returned and whatnot in a timely manner. Nice.

It's just the final straw, I hate them so much. Don't mess with hormonal pregnant women, man. Just don't.

My American Life

2008-05-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Last night, me and the hub went to the showing of This American Life that was show simultaneously all over the country. I still can't figure out if it was live or what the deal was...but it was good to be in the company of so many TAL fans and hear some insights about the show. Yeah, and, it just reinforced the little crush I have on Ira Glass.

********************************************************

Maybe Ira ought to do a piece on people who do nothing with their degrees after college and how that impacts them socially.

Sometimes I feel like people from my past...especially people who I know via my creative endevours (radio, theatre, etc) look down on me for not staying "in the industry". I went to a wedding a few years ago with several of my old radio station homies, and that's all they wanted to talk about...how they were "still in the industry". And it was kind of like they thought I was some sort of failure for not. For falling out, basically leaving it behind and starting my family.

It's a little insulting in a way. It's like my opinions and knowledge of the things that interest me are invalid now because I am a wife and mom.

And sometimes I think it's a little sad. I hate to sound all cliche, but as much as I love the theatre and as much as I love music and as much as I loved being in radio...I love my family immeasurably more. But If I try to justify that to anyone, I sound kind of like I'm trying too hard, don't I?

I hate that there is this disparity between my old friends who are still single and childless and those of us who've gotten married and gotten kids. But I guess that's just the way it is.

*************************************************************

I do want to say...I really really really really really really love my husband and my kids.

Lets talk about gas prices

2008-04-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

How can you NOT want this man as president!!!!???

Pregnancy things I don't understand

2008-04-30T09:51:00.000-07:00

Maternity undies.

I don't get it.

I mean, my underwear don't come up over my belly in the first place. And, I can't imagine wanting them to. Thus....my underwear fit me just fine through my pregnancy. Granted, once they are on, I can't really see them that well, but it feels like they are doing their job. I have never had any wardrobe malfunctions and have made me say "Dang, I wish I had MATERNITY undies!"

Therapy

2008-04-22T16:53:00.001-07:00

I don't know why people are so resistant to therapy. I guess it seems like a big committment? I guess people don't want to hear what's wrong with them? I guess people don't understand how it can be beneficial to have a trained, objective, 2nd (or 3rd) party weigh in?

Last year was really rough for me and my husband. Judging by all the people we know who are divorcing, it was a rough year for a lot of folks. I have several friends who are in the midst of failing marriages or relationships, and you know what? Most of them haven't tried therapy. I don't understand it.

I hate to sound like I'm selling something or am some sort of therapy-cult person...but , man, it can really work. My husband and I have been in serious therapy for nearly 6 months now. And you know what? It's AWESOME. It's helped us so much. Our marriage was really in a bad spot and now it's awesome. Granted, it takes two people who truly love one another and are committed to one another and I know that's not always the case.

When we first started, I think we were both so bitter about our marriage we didn't really take it seriously. We went sporatically and half heartedly. We generally would go.....and then wait until we were in another crisis situation before going again. I think there were times when we both used it as a tool to "get" the other person or to be vindicated in our anger.

We are very lucky, we have a great therapist. Don't get me wrong...we actually went through a couple before we found him. But he's great. And at one point he called us on it. Even though we'd been clients of his for several months, on and off, he said "You know, you've never REALLY TRIED therapy". And he was right, we hadn't.

So now we go regularly, even when it kind of seems silly because things are so good. Like our session last week.....nothing was wrong, we weren't fighting, in fact things were going really great. But, we go. Because going in only in crisis isn't going to fix anything.

At this point, our therapy is moving to be focused not on whats wrong but whats right, how we can magnify that right, and how we can continue to try to improve how we communicate. It sounds so corny and simplistic, but man it's amazing how much of our issues boiled down to shitty communication skills and coping mechanisms that we learned over the course of our relationship.

I know a couple who is nearly ready to split up because one partner doesn't want to go to therapy and the reason is that she thinks that they will just tell her what she's doing wrong. I'll give you my perspective....a good therapist isn't ever going to focus on one person and what they are doing wrong. Because you know what? No matter how blameless you may feel right now, you are equally responsible for what's going on in your relationship. And a good therapist knows that going into it.

I just wonder what goes on in the heads of these people who refuse therapy. Especially for a marriage. Something that really hit home with me last year was this thought; Did I really want to give up on my marriage and say I didn't try everything I could? I, for one, am glad I can look back and say I made the choice to try and it turned out really well.

Anyways...therapy. It's not just for sad sacks and worst case scenarios. It's not just for failures. It's just help. Sometimes we all need help.

music

2008-04-21T09:16:00.001-07:00

I'm not really a fan of the new Death Cab single. In fact, I just don't like it.

What should I be listening to? New or old releases, my iPod has 10g of free space itching to be filled.

animals are strange

2008-04-18T12:11:00.001-07:00

We have a dog crate that sits at the foot of our bed for our miniature schnauzer, Daisy, to sleep in. It's the appropriate size for an 12 inch tall, 12lb dog to sleep in and have enough space. It is NOT the appropriate size for an 50lb, 2foot tall (or taller) to sleep in. But I guess that logic doesn't really matter to dogs......

Yes, that is a dog in a crate. Yes, that dog pretty much fills up the entire space of the crate. He has a dog bed over on the side of our bed, I have no idea what he was thinking, but then again, he's a little off.

It's cool to bash religion

2008-04-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

My long time blogger friend, Christopher, wrote an entry in his blog that really touched on something I've been mulling over for a long time now.

Why is it ok to bash Christians? Why do modern liberals preach tolerance and acceptance of all...except when it comes to someone who proclaims themselves Christian?

I've been thinking about this for a long time, and not only did I stumble upon Christopher's entry, but then yesterday I found this entry in the Womans Space blog. Why IS Michelle Duggar fair game? Why DO people feel perfectly comfortable calling her brainwashed and calling her husband an abuser, when we all know darn well they'd never say that about the Muslim family in the same blog entry?

I don't know. I don't have the answer. All I know is that it's hip and cool for liberals these days to bash Christians. Maybe it's because fundie Christianity has dominated our country for so long, and this is the backlash. Maybe it's because people like Falwell proclaimed themselves to be spokesmen for the entire religion and made us all look like blubbering, bigotted dullards.

I don't know why it is...but right now, it's cool to bash Christians, and I don't like it.

I don't like having to justify my religion in liberal discussions. I don't like having to explain that I'm not into bombing abortion clinics (even though I am pro-life), and how I support same-sex adults who love one another having the same rights as I do. I don't like the blanket assumptions that are made about me when people find out I am a Christian.

If an Muslim woman approached you on the street, hijab in place, and your companion made some smart-ass comment about her bombing the White House, you'd rightfully be apauled and ashamed and probably say something to your friend, right? This woman who, by most liberal standards, supports and devotes herself to a religion that is extremely patriarchal at best, and you would defend her right to do so. Because it's the worldly, liberal, PC thing to do. Because we all know now (or should at least) that just because someone happens to look Middle Eastern and happens to wear some sort of head covering doesn't mean they hate you.

And yet we don't think twice when we judge Christians in a much harsher light. As liberals today, we don't think twice about making snotty jokes about "ignorant Christians" and their "fairy tale book" and creationism and baptism and faith and all the things that go along with it. We don't even think twice.

I don't even know what the point of all this is other than to say I'm sick of it. I hate justifying myself to people who I consider friends. I hate that liberals feel like it's ok to make cruel jokes at the expense of Christians because they don't realize that *gasp* Christians can be liberal.

I guess if you're reading this, I just want to say, please be mindful next time you want to bash Christians. We don't all stand on corners on Wednesdays with pictures of torn apart fetuses, we don't all hate fags, we don't all support the war, and many of us don't even worry about what religion you are or aren't anyways.

I don't want much, I'd just like the same respect you'd give anyone else for their religious choice. Like Christopher, I want to take Christian back.

Birthy Blog

2008-04-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

I have a new post on dissappointment in birth over on my birthy blog.

It's a zoo in here.......

2008-04-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

I was putzing around in bed and I looked down and realized......the foot of my bed is probably quite a sight for some people. Let me show you......

From left to right, that is my 10 year old-ish pit mix, Stella...my gigantic 7 year old siamese, Whitman...and my petite yet fat 15 year old just-plain-black-cat, Annie. This is basically how I sleep, although generally either Stella or Whitman attempt to move up in the night and sleep right next to me.

*****************

I kept thinking to myself that our mini schnauzer, Daisy, looked odd for a mini schnauzer. Every time I looked at photos of other minis and then her, she looked off. (A very very blurry shot of her tonight)

I kept looking at other pics online and I finally realized what it is.......

HER EARS DON'T FLOP! The tip of one of them kind of sort of does.....but otherwise, she has these GIANT ears that stand straight up all the time. And schnauzers with natural ears flop. Schnauzers with cropped ears have tiny ears. We have Daisy because she comes from a questionable breeder who had a VERY questionable litter and was just going to dump them off, so we took her. We've always been on the lookout for what was "messed up" about her. I don't care, I think it makes her more endering.

:)

???

2008-04-09T17:22:00.001-07:00

I have no idea what this Twitter is.

stewardship of the animals

2008-04-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had an orientation this weekend at my local city animal shelter. I'm going to be volunteering to take photos for the website to help get the animals adopted.

I read a statistic recently that in my city, only about 25-33% of the animals get adopted each year. The rest, and we're talking thousands, get euthanized.

I've been to the shelter before, many times. My Dakota was from this very shelter. I know how it works.

They have a section of this shelter where they place dogs who aren't availible for adoption yet. Most of them are strays that the shelter is obligated to keep for a certain number of days before releasing for adoption, but a handful this weekend were owner surrenders.

There was a giant rotty mix, 9 years old, greying at the mouth. Happy and sweet and a little overfed. His family didn't have time for him anymore. There was a very timid, scared, frightened dog that we were told was a Plott Hound. He wouldn't come near us for treats. The dog looked like a Grey Hound but with long floppy ears. He was long and lean and light on his feet and so scared. He wouldn't even come for treats. His family had gotten him a few months ago and he could now jump their fence. So he was out. And there was this little tiny dog, marked a cocker cross but she could have been any sort of small mutt. Beautiful, blonde, quiet, calm but curious, 2 years old. The owners didn't have time for her.

All of the owner surrenders were marked "outside 23-24 hours a day".

I'm going to get a lot of rolled eyes here and a lot of "oh you bleeding hear you" comments...but these are living, breathing, feeling beings. These are pack animals who get attached to their families. These are highly social animals who are very smart and who all of the sudden were taken by the one they trust and put into this scary scary place, where the odds are in favor of them dying.

Some people say "oh it's better, at least they won't get shuttled around". Except what I just told you...they are put into a strange, cold, uncomfortable space. They are herded in with other animals they don't know. They are left with minimal human contact, and they've just been ripped from their home and family. And they don't even realize they will never see their owner again.

They are stressed and lonely and scared. Wouldn't you be?

Everyday, people dump off their animals. Take a look at your local Craigslist in the Pets section, and it's likely filled with people who are giving away their animals as well.

There is that saying about how you can judge your society on how it treats it's weakest members and I think that applies here.

Cause you know what? Everytime I bring up this issue, I get heaps of people making excuses for why they had to give up their animals. Heaps of people telling me things like "Well I can't save them all". And people who are just going to glaze over and forget about it. Because they can. Because our shelters are not a sexy subject, because our shelters are often put in some corner of town and most of you will probably never visit one and view the reality of how much death goes on in your town.

Animals are not toys. They are thinking, feeling beings. They are not suited or meant to be left outside 24 hours a day. They are work. Just like with kids, you have to teach them how to behave in your home, you have to feed them, guide them, and help them fit in.

They are going to cost you money sometimes. Sometimes they will get sick, sometimes they will need special food or bedding or toys.

Virtually all animals that we think of as pets are social. And you know what that means? If the levels of social interaction that they need aren't met, they will have behavior problems. If you took your 2 year old and locked him in his room for 24 hours a day and only saw him to feed him once or twice, he'd have behavior issues, wouldn't he? Same with animals.

I think my biggest pet peeve is that people who dump their animals at shelters refuse to admit what it is they are really doing...sentencing their animal to death, and shirking the responsibility they had for their animal.

Pets are a lifetime committment and if you dump your pet at the shelter and no one takes up your responsibility, it's your fault that animal is dead. You didn't do the right thing by dumping him.

I'm so tired of hearing the excuses too, because you know what? Those excuses truly only apply to a small amount of people. Most people dumping their animals or giving them away just are not truly comitted to their animals. They see them as toys.

I feel like the way in which our culture encourages ignoring this issue is indicative of the greater issue of having little respect for life, little respect for community, and an overall sense of entitlement and selfishness.Whenever someone says "Hey, you know backyard breeding contributes to overpopulation and death" a horde of other voices will rise up indignantly and cry "Don't judge me! Don't tell me what I'm doing is wrong! I'm entitled to do what I want!". Whenever someone is told that maybe they should try to work with their dogs behavior issue instead of dumping them at they shelter, they are told "Don't judge me! You don't know my story! I should be able to get rid of my animal if I want!".

We need to step out of this mindset. I think those people SHOULD be judged and should be held accountable for the results of their actions. If we can't even value the life of a companion who's given us nothing but love, how can we expect to value and be accountable for fellow humans?

4;23AM

2008-04-06T04:23:00.000-07:00

It's a ridiculously early hour and I'm not in bed. Instead I'm sitting on my couch next to a snoring dog, outside of the room with nearly every other living thing in this house, who are all also snoring.

I've been taking Unisom for my Hyperemesis. It completely controls it and makes me able to eat just about normally all day, but I generally still feel an underlying queasiness that I just have to live with. This week, though, I thought I noticed that queasiness tapering off so I'm trying, once again, to not take the Unisom and see if I can function without it. This is night two. Last night I still fell asleep quickly and slept in. Tonight though...

Well, I blame it on the dogs. And mice.

We have a dog we adopted in December, Joey, and he's a little...off. One annoying thing he does is sometimes he wakes up in the night and, for whatever reason, he desperately has to go outside. He is leashed up in our room and so this means that he is pacing and whining and chuffing next to the bed. So Joey woke me up and I refuse to take him out, stupidly. So he does this for Lord knows how long.

Finally, my husband gets up and takes him out. And they come back and both start snoring.

And as I lay there, trying to stop my mind from wandering, I hear a squeaking noise.

Oh didn't I tell you? We got mice today. On purpose. Not the kind that invade your walls, but the kind you get for entertainment and run on wheels and burrow in little holes in the cage all day. Yeah, that wheel is squeaky and mice are nocturnal. So about an hour ago, I hear this faint squeal. And it gets more and more frequent, until I kind of freak out, assuming something is wrong with one of our other dogs. I get up and come out and realize....it's the stupid mouse wheel.

I returned to bed, but you know by that point I was fully awake and my mind is on all sorts of rambly trips about things I want to do later today when normal people are awake, and wondering about people I've lost touch with, and thinking about taking trips, and ....lots of things. And I can't turn it off.

And, I don't know about you, but whenever I can't sleep I always worry that I'm keeping my sleeping partner awake, so then I start stressing out about that. And I realize it's some ungodly hour and think about how tired I'm going to be and how I can probably take a nap and how maybe I can just get up for a bit and come back to bed...........

So here I am. I finally just got up. And now I'm boring you with this blog post.

It's now 4:34AM and I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. I'm wide awake but I am dead tired still. I have a weird thing where when this happens, I usually am not able to fall asleep till it starts getting light out. Thank goodness it's spring and it will start getting light in a couple of hours. In the meantime, I am going to try to websurf myself into utter boredom, and hopefully not think of anything new to think about.

At least it's Sunday.

conversations with 3 year olds

2008-04-03T10:04:00.001-07:00

E = Mama, I wan see your telphone (takes my cell off the desk and opens it)

E = Mama, can I press 'free?

M = No, please don't press any buttons.

E = But, mama, I LIKE 'free!

Your hip tip for the day

2008-04-01T12:03:00.001-07:00

Back in the day, I admit it...I watched "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" religiously. I don't really watch it so much anymore (is it even still on?) but I learned two amazing tips that I will bestow upon you, dear readers. These two tips I have used regularly for years and I swear by them.

Hip Tip #1: Leftover Pizza Magic

Only have leftover pizza in the fridge for lunch the next day? Don't eat it cold and skip the microwave and oven....grill it on the stovetop! Seriously!

Put you pizza in a non stick pan on the stove on medium heat. Put a lid on it and cook for about 5 minutes. Your pizza will taste almost better than it did fresh. The crust will be crispy, the toppings will be heated and yummy. The only way we reheat pizza in our house is by "Queer Eye-ing" it.

Hip Tip #2: Cleaning your Specs

When your glasses get grungy, skip buying fancy sprays and special towels. You will not get a more sparkling set of specs than by doing this...

Get a small bowl, squirt a small bit of dishwashing soap, and swirl it up with warm water. Swish your glasses in the water and soap, and dry with a soft cloth. Yep, seriously, it's the best clean I ever get for my glasses, and if your a girl and you wear make up, it also gets all the make up off the glasses. It also gets and dust out of the edges.

thats what weekends are for

2008-03-30T21:20:00.001-07:00

We kicked a lot of butt this weekend in the arena of being productive in the home. We've been here almost a year and it's just NOW coming together.

This weekend I got a new fridge. There is something so very grown up feeling about owning a fridge that is taller than me.

I also bought matching night stands. I don't think I've ever owned matching night stands.

We were also a little frivolous and got one of these fun little things for all our CDs we hardly ever use anyways. Maybe this will make use listen to some of them. Or an least load the random ones onto our computers where we actually listen to music from.

waiting for the other shoe to drop

2008-03-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been one or two degrees removed from a lot of tragedy and/or near misses. Many of my old friends have had parents get seriously ill or pass away. People from my past who I don't really have current connections with have gotten ill, passed away, had some sort of tragedy in their life, etc etc. Every time one hits, it feels a little jarring, a little too close to home. I admit, I have this feeling of something hanging over my head saying "You're next".

Months ago, I found out one of my oldest, dearest friends became pregnant. On their first try! A couple months after that, it was revealed that she was carrying twins. And then a few weeks ago, they discovered one twin was a boy. My friends husband wanted a boy so badly, they were just so thrilled.

Two days ago they went in for another ultrasound to try to see who else was hiding out in there. Instead of finding out and being thrilled, what they saw was no heartbeat, not movement. For some reason, the babies died.

You hear about stuff like this all the time but this hit very close to home for me. I'm devastated. I can't imagine what she's going through.

Nothing seemed wrong. She felt fine. She had no signs. She just went in and they were gone. And now she has to go through delivering her babies. The induction process that the doctor is using will take a total of three days, at least. Three days of my friend having to live her life, have these last moments with her babies, carry them and know she'll never know them. I bet there are not even words that would accurately describe what that's like.

This friend and I met when we were 13. Nearly twenty years ago. It was unplanned but exciting to be pregnant at the same time. We'd have kids who could be friends.

It's really just not fair to have that taken.

This is too close. All of this tragedy can move away from me now, I've had enough, thankyouverymuch.

mundanery

2008-03-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

Today was just one of the best Saturdays I've had in a long time. And I didn't even really accomplish much.

I got to sleep in. I looooove sleeping in. During the week I absolutely have to be out of bed at 6:30. Have. To. Be. Even just getting to sleep in until 7 is heavenly, but today I got to sleep in, and then laze around the house in my jammies for a good long while. My tiny little terror of a son was packed off to Grandmas house, bless him, so I spent the morning with no one shouting at me through the house "Mama! I wan' some juice!" "Mama! MAMA! I wan some toast!".

We lazily got ready and lazily wandered out and about, stopping at a few stores and taking our time. We tracked down a dress for K to wear tomorrow, and she talked me into buying matching sandals for us. At this point, I'm ok with any shoe that doesn't require me to bend over to put it on.

Then we came back home and you know what I did? I napped. K and I put on some DVDs in my room and I napped my way through them. I think the fetus has been growing or something because I've just been deathly tired for the past couple of weeks. I slept in and I still needed a nap.

My really really wonderful husband made us a yummy dinner. I feel a little overly pampered.....I basically lounged around all day, and I get dinner made for me. Nice.

I talked the Hub and K into walking up to the local coffee shop. They play XM radio in there, and there was some truly amazing alt country channel on and it was just like ear candy. And it was just so heavenly to sit there with my husband and daughter and sip tea and eat muffins and catch up with the paper and listen to good music. It was just so nice. It's such a nice night out.

We got home and I'd forgotten to blow some candles out on the mantle. Luckily, my house didn't burn down and at smelled good.

And that's it. Nothing special, and yet the whole day was special. I didn't really do anything great or accomplish anything. And it was just a great day. That, my friends, is how boring my life is. That is the day that brings me bliss.

A letter from Senator Obama

2008-03-19T15:50:00.001-07:00

I got this in my email today....it's worth passing on if you don't subscribe to Senator Obamas emails already:

Five years ago today, President George W. Bush launched a war that should never have been authorized based on faulty premises and bad intelligence.

This war has now lasted longer than World War I, World War II, or the Civil War.

Nearly four thousand Americans have given their lives. Thousands more have been wounded. Even under the best-case scenarios, this war will cost American taxpayers well over a trillion dollars.

And where are we for all of this sacrifice?

We are less safe and less able to shape events abroad. We are divided at home, and our alliances around the world have been strained. The threats of a new century have roiled the waters of peace and stability, and yet America remains anchored in Iraq.

I am running for President because it's time to turn the page on a failed ideology and a fundamentally flawed political strategy, so that we can make pragmatic judgments to keep our country safe.

That's what I did when I stood up and opposed this war from the start and said that we needed to finish the fight against al Qaeda. And that's what I'll do as President of the United States.

Please take a few minutes to read my strategy for ending the war in Iraq and making America safer. I hope you will sign on and show your support:

http://my.barackobama.com/fiveyearslater

Senator Clinton says that she and Senator McCain have passed a "Commander-in-Chief test" -- not because of the judgments they've made, but because of the years they've spent in Washington.

She made a similar argument when she said her vote for war was based on her experience at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.

But here is the stark reality: there is a security gap in this country -- a gap between the rhetoric of those who claim to be tough on national security, and the reality of growing insecurity caused by their decisions.

It is time to have a debate with Senator McCain about the future of our national security. And the way to win that debate and keep America safe is to offer a clear contrast -- a clean break from the failed policies and politics of the past.

Nowhere is that break more badly needed than in Iraq.

Join me in supporting an end to this war and a plan for a safer America:

http://my.barackobama.com/fiveyearslater

The judgment that matters most on Iraq -- and on any decision to deploy military force -- is the judgment made first.

If you believe we are fighting the right war, then the problems we face are purely tactical in nature. That is what Senator McCain wants to discuss -- tactics. What he and the Administration have failed to present is an overarching strategy: how the war in Iraq enhances our long-term security, or will in the future.

That's why this Administration cannot answer the simple question posed by Senator John Warner in hearings last year: Are we safer because of this war? And that is why Senator McCain can argue -- as he did last year -- that we couldn't leave Iraq because violence was up, and then argue this year that we can't leave Iraq because violence is down.

When you have no overarching strategy, there is no clear definition of success.

Success comes to be defined as the ability to maintain a flawed policy indefinitely. Here is the truth: fighting a war without end will not force the Iraqis to take responsibility for their own future. And fighting in a war without end will not make the American people safer.

When I am Commander-in-Chief, I will set a new goal on Day One: I will end this war. Not because politics compels it. Not because our troops cannot bear the burden -- as heavy as it is. But because it is the right thing to do for our national security, and it will ultimately make us safer.

Show your support for a clear strategy to end the war in Iraq and focus our national security efforts on making America safer:

http://my.barackobama.com/fiveyearslater

Here are the core elements of my strategy to address our critical national security challenges in the 21st century:

* End the war in Iraq, removing our troops at a pace of 1 to 2 combat brigades per month;
* Finally finish the fight against the Taliban, root out al Qaeda and invest in the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan, while making aid to the Pakistani government conditional;
* Act aggressively to stop nuclear proliferation and to secure all loose nuclear materials around the world;
* Double our foreign assistance to cut extreme poverty in half;
* Invest in a clean energy future to wean the U.S. off of foreign oil and to lead the world against the threat of global climate change;
* Rebuild our military capability by increasing the number of soldiers, marines, and special forces troops, and insist on adequate training and time off between deployments;
* Renew American diplomacy by talking to our adversaries as well as our friends; increasing the size of the Foreign Service and the Peace Corps; and creating an America's Voice Corps.

Please take a minute to show your support for this plan:

http://my.barackobama.com/fiveyearslater

We are at a defining moment in our history.

This must be the election when America comes together behind a common purpose on behalf of our security and our values.

That is what we do as Americans. It's how we founded a republic based on freedom, and faced down fascism. It's how we defended democracy through a Cold War, and shined a light of hope bright enough to be seen in the darkest corners of the world.

When America leads with principle and pragmatism, hope can triumph over fear. It is time, once again, for America to lead.

Thank you,

Barack Obama

good boundries make good neighbors....

2008-03-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

Our house backs up to a little alley. I live on a fairly busy street so we, as well as most of my neighbors, use the alley as their primary way of accessing their homes. Behind our back fence we have a concrete area next to our garage that fits two or three cars. Since I run my own business, and have a handful of cars here at any given time, this one actually a big selling point for the house...it has it's own little parking lot.

Well, the lovely couple who lived here before us made a deal with our neighbors, from what I hear, and let our neighbors park in our little parking area.

Well, we moved in and the neighbor kept parking there. Or, more accurately, her boyfriend kept parking there. Ok, fine, whatever. We starting making a point to park in that spot every time it was vacant. But, whenever we left it open, she'd have someone park in the spot.

Finally, she parked an inoperable car there. As in we can't park in our spot ever, at all.

Ok, so enough of the passive agressive crap, right? So I just went over there about a week and a half ago. She was REALLY nice about it. She thanked me for letting her park there all these months that we've been here. I even told her that, really, if she wanted to use the spot in the middle of the day or at night it was ok, but that I had a business and I needed the spot to be open during business hours and she completely agreed.

And a week and a half later, the car is still there.

I'm a little irked. Ok a lot irked.

My husband says "I'd give em two or three weeks". TWO OR THREE WEEKS!!???

I want to be nice. I mean, I know it probably is a problem for them, trying to find a place to store a broken down car. But, why would you take it on knowing that you don't have a place to put it and you're relying on your neighbor to house it for you? Ugh.

This week

2008-03-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

This week was a true exercise in letting go and just truly coming to place inside where I could be ok with that.

I'm not that kind of person, or at least I haven't been in the past. It's hard for me to let go. I have a tendency to dwell and let things consume my thoughts and get all bent out of shape about them. I don't know if I'm growing as a person or if pregnancy is just making more docile.

This week has also taught me that even though this baby is my third and last and I feel kind of "old hat" about the whole thing, this baby deserves to be celebrated and cherished and anticipated just as much as any other. I feel like I have a new appreciation for this pregnancy, this baby, everything that I'm going through, everything that will come. I need to have a little more respect for this guy than to be as blase as I've been about him.

Speaking of the little bundle, I believe he's having a growth spurt...mama has been unbelievably tired and hungry all week. On Friday, I ate my lunch by 10am. It was sitting in the fridge, calling to me. It's Saturday and it's not quite 6pm and I'll be honest with you all...I'm ready to get into my jammies and get into bed for the night.

Life Lessons

2008-03-14T08:21:00.001-07:00

* One of the best things about having kids is that it generally means hugs and kisses anytime you need them.

* One of the most destructive things you can do in a relationship is assume you can predict another's actions or assume that you know the "real" motive behind their actions.

Advise me, ye old internetz

2008-03-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

Take a peek on over at this blog talking about moving a little girl to a new school.

That little girl is my daughter.

And let me give you a little more insight...

My daughter attends an academic "magnet" school. It's known for being the best school in the district. As parents of a 5 year old, trying to figure out the system, that sounded really appealing. So, when we could enroll her, we did.

There were some red flags, I admit. On the first "interview" she had to get in, I recall the 1st grade teacher being oddly proud of the schools ability to "weed out" the families who "couldn't hack it" at that school.

What did she mean? Well, for first and second grade, my daughter had hours and hours of homework each night. What my esteemed babydaddy fails to point out about the crying homework nights is that it was HOURS of homework each night. Easily two hours, sometimes more. This went for weekends and holidays as well. It's been grueling for all of us.

Finally, last year, we all kind of got fed up with it. I tried on a few occasions to talk to the principal about the volume of homework and about the seemingly unhealthy emphasis on test scores only to ultimately be told "This is what you signed up for in coming here".

In all honesty, it was embarrassing to be going through this, as a mother. I would tell people about her homework load and other parents would raise their eyebrows at me. "Why aren't you protecting your kid from that" they seemed to say. And I have to say, I felt that way myself. I felt like I was letting her down by putting her in this abnormal schooling situation. As the years went on, I felt like I was failing her.

I volunteered in the school in their "art" program. At my daughters school, they get art four times per year. Every time I've been in the art class, I'd witness the art teacher scolding the kids for not going the art "right". It was a lot of copying exactly what she did, and if the kids deviated one iota, they were "doing it wrong". It was kind of heartbreaking.

There were also other red flags...there is a LOT of pressure to make sure your kids are prepared for the testings. They do a lot of fund raising with little to show for it. Their P.E. program has gotten cut and cut and cut to where the kids get P.E., I think, once a month.

And then there was my daughter herself...

She's really sensitive. I don't want to coddle her, I don't want to be unrealistic. but she doesn't handle pressure or failure well. She's working on it and she's growing out of it, for sure, but she doesn't handle it well, to the point of, at time, crying in class when she gets something wrong or when she's put on the spot. This year, her teacher has sent home numerous notes that say things like "K cries too much in class, she needs to lighten up". Ugh. Again, heartbreaking. Like I said, I don't want to coddle her, but the lack of sensitivity just gets to me, every time the teacher sends a note home. It just kills me a little bit.

So, through all of this, her father and I have talked about moving her schools.

Granted, he and I don't have the best relationship. I found out this year, in fact, that he'd actually called for a group of parents to get together to have a meet up with the principal about the work load. He didn't tell me about that, of course. He even sent out a note to other parents in the class saying "Hey, we need more parents to come to this! Spread the word!". But I digress.

We started talking about this issue. We went to visit our "neighborhood" school. His main concern seemed to be the test scores. Our neighborhood school has lower test scores than the school K attends now. The principal of the neighborhood school explained that the testing averages at her school incorporated the special education classes, and that significantly lowered the scores. Ok, that makes sense to me.

And overall, the school was a normal school. Normal kids, normal teachers, normal classes. But, they have P.E. weekly, science daily, music, art, and two school productions every year. When we went in, there was a kid sitting in the office and the entire staff and principal knew him. They didn't take an odd pride in "weeding out" anyone. That's what I want for my kid...no more of this hours of homework each night. No more of this homework over weekends and holidays. No more of this unhealthy obsession with test scores. I don't really care if I can say "my kid is the smartest kid at the best school" if it means she's missing out on so much.

Part of this is admittedly sentimental. I went to a normal, average, regular K-8 school when I was a kid. I actually moved to it when I was in third grade. I have friends I remain close to today from that school. I loved going to a K-8 school. I loved it when my little brother came to school with me. I have nothing but fond memories of science fairs and talent shows and christmas plays and basketball games.

Sure, if she stays at her school, she'll never know the difference. But I will. I'll know what she's missing out on. I'll know that she's missing out on her opportunities to stretch her creative wings, maybe, because of the emphasis on testing at her current school.

You know...I have bachelors degree. And no one ever knows or asks about my grade school or my STARs test scores from when I was in 6th grade. Heck, people never even ask what my GPA was in college. No one asks or cares about where I went to grade school or high school even. K's dad has a masters degree and to bachelors. He graduated from a prestigeous college and I am pretty sure no one really cares, past that, about his schooling either. The fact of the matter is that we both know how important a college education is and we both know that we will make sure she's prepared for college.

So, I'm not worried about her test scores as a grade schooler or even really as a middle schooler. We have actually been told that she's the smartest kid in the class. Hey, I have a smart kid. I really have no fears she's going to turn into a dullard by going to a normal school. I have nothing invested personally in being able to say "My kid is one of the smartest at the best school in the county, so neener neener". She's probably going to be a good student anywhere she goes....I just wish she could experience school plays and being in band as well.

So there you have it.......I want to move her, and her father has decreed it "wrong". His logic has been "She has friends here". No real addressing any of my concerns. And backtracking, in fact, on concerns he expressed himself.

I am really torn, because I want to do right by everyone involved. I want to consider his view as well, but "She has friends" just, to me, doesn't weigh as heavily as all the other stuff that her current school has against it, at least in my eyes.

WWYD?

Cosmetic surgery on infants

2008-03-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

First, I stumbled upon this GREAT essay/rant on circing. It basically says everything I want to say....I love it. Posted it up over at my birth info blog.

And then in a timely bit of fate, I came across this article about parents who put their toddlers through cosmetic surgery to distract from the fact that they have Downs.

I think most of us would agree that the parents in the second article are....a bit off, at best. And yet we have this ass backward idea that while it's not ok to perform one kind of cosmetic surgery on a baby, another kind is perfectly ok.

We have no logic behind circing anymore and yet we still do it. Sad.

giddy

2008-03-10T08:54:00.001-07:00

I'm always a little bit giddy on Monday's after K has been at her dad's house. I can't wait for her to get home so we can finally be a family again. For those weekends, it feels like something is missing. I feel a little off doing "family" things without her. It's so nice when she finally comes home after being gone for a few days.

We did some massive cleaning this weekend. Spring cleaning, nesting....something, but I cleaned my house within an inch of it's life. I organized her room, cleaned all her laundry and hung it up, put fresh sheets on her bed, steam cleaned her carpet. I know she won't notice but I hope someday when she's my age, she remembers always having clean laundry and always having sweet smelling sheets to fall asleep in.

financial freedom

2008-03-07T15:02:00.001-08:00

We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination. I'm sure we're just normal middle class folks. But I feel rich so often. You know why? Because I can go to the grocery store anytime I want and pretty much buy whatever I want.

I remember when K was a baby and I was single. I remember pushing her through Safeway, skipping aisles because I didn't need anything in that aisle, and having to very carefully keep a mental tally of how much I was spending. I remember having to go back and put things back because I'd get to the end of the store and realize I needed bread more than I needed apples and I didn't have enough money to buy both. I remember going to the location that I knew sold individual sticks of butter because I could never afford a whole box. But always, always, always, was the running tally. Always, I walked through the store adding up everything in my head.

I live closer to other stores now so I usually go to them. But recently I went to the Safeway I used to shop at all the time when I was living in that tiny rat-hole apartment with K. At the end of my shopping trip, I was in the car pulling out of the parking lot, and I had this momentary freak out...I didn't tally my food! I had one of those split second moments where a million thoughts flash through your head and you start to freak out...only to realize there is no reason. It hit me...I don't have to tally my food anymore. I didn't realize it till I left Safeway that day...I hadn't done the mental tally in a long time.

I walk through the store these days and I walk through every aisle "just in case". I buy the organic gallon instead of the generic brand half gallon of milk. I buy an entire box of butter. I can buy two kids of bread AND still be able to buy apples. Last time I went to the store, I went for some mundane thing like pasta or fruit and ended up with licorice, donuts, and a mini watermelon in addition to whatever it was I went for originally. My kids say to me "I want this" and when I say no, it's not because we don't have the money, it's because they already have too much junk as it is.

And I can afford Cracklin Oat Bran whenever I want it. (You know, that's the EXPENSIVE cereal in the TINY box!)

I'm not rich. I'm not bragging. It just hit me when I left Safeway the other day...I don't have to tally my food. I never thought I'd live a life where I didn't have to carefully tally my food through the grocery store. But that's the life I live. I can buy whatever food I want. Wow.

hai guiz! I be on teh internetz!

2008-03-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

Bored? Head over to A Very Serious Question...I sponsored it this week! Yay me!

I really love this site, probably because I like talking about myself.

In case you don't find the questions fun, here is a lolcat for ya.......

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

Dear God,

2008-03-04T08:09:00.001-08:00

Please filter me out of life today. For how long, I don't know. Long enough for the aftermath of all the bits of news I've gotten today to blow over. How can anyone live in this country, in this time, and not cry every day at the utter lack of humanity? What is the matter with them? Why are our hearts so hardened?

God, those of us who feel those deaths and those hurts personally and mourn for them are called crazy. Because my heart aches for the father who lost his entire family yesterday, I am the crazy one. I am the one who has problems. Because I am the one who winces every morning at the news, my opinions are discounted because they are too emotional.

I understand now why so many people chose ignorance...it's so much easier. It's too hard on your head and heart to know any more than you absolutely need to. It makes you crazy.

It's getting worse and people just want to make excuses why, excuses for why it's ok for them to continue with their behavior that contributes nothing to their community.

I don't want to know any of the news today. Already, the one or two things I've gotten are the things that will be on my mind for the rest of the day and will leave me feeling depressed and hopeless. It's never going to stop...it's never going to get better. Not enough people care.

So please just make my mind a blank today or turn the world off around me or something. I can't take today. I can't hear anymore. I can't go on with my day like nothing is happening out there. I just want to turn it off, just for a little while.

Amen.

political divide

2008-03-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

I don't really believe in the idea of judging a person based on who they are choosing to vote for (unless they are voting republican, then all bets are off).

I had a conversation with a friend recently where she said something I think a lot of us have heard a lot...the problem with the Democratic party is that we like to think for ourselves a little too much, and thus have too much divisivness within the party.

Then I got into a discussion with another friend who believes that all Obama supporters are mere lemmings who are buying into the "emotion" of his campaign and don't realize he is but a puppet with no real substance.

Ouch.

I just don't buy into this idea of bashing others within your party. I was really down with Edwards. I was REALLY down with Kucinich. But, those aren't the choices availible to me now. I have to pick the person who I agree with more and who, realistically, I believe can beat McCain. But I don't really think that makes anyone a bad person if they chose to vote for Hillary. To be honest, I don't really like her but I will be happy with her over McCain anyday, thankyouverymuch.

But now I'm hearing rumblings of Dems who are saying "Oh well if my candidate doesn't get the nomination, I'm voting for McCain!!". REALLY? Why does that sound to me like the old "if you don't do what I want, I'm taking my toys and going home"?

I just cannot fathom ANOTHER Republican presidency being good for this country. The good Democrats have all bowed out and we have two candidates who, when you compare them to McCain, aren't that different from one another. Why are we nit picking stupid things amongst ourselves? How can we not see that this is exactly what the Repubs WANT! I can't be the only person who's heard of Repubs in some of the "important" states throwing their weight behind the Dem candidate they feel will lose against McCain, merely to set up the election so a Repub can win. Oy.

I am so disillusioned with our politics. I'm so embarrassed to be an American most of the time (trust me, if I could leave, I would). And it's times like this when it's a little embarrassing to be a Liberal, even. When I have other Liberals trying to make me out to be some ignorant lemming for supporting Obama and saying they will vote McCain if Obama gets the nomination?

Come on, guys. This is where the Repubs want us...divided. Our candidates are fairly equal, and they both have their bad points and good. At the end of the day, they are both politicians. Career politicians in a country with a fairly corrupt political system. We gotta work with what we have, and I don't think it's beneficial to divide ourselves further.

*sigh*

Sunday

2008-03-02T19:18:00.001-08:00

We took the kids sledding today.............it was tons of fun, even if this mama didn't participate in a lot of the actual sledding, as to protect the fetus. :)

nightmares

2008-02-26T13:07:00.000-08:00

I had the worst dream ever last night.

It started with us getting a call that my father in law passed away. Some thing where it was sudden, so The Hub goes to the hospital. And then a few hours later I get a call that he died too in the hospital. I'm home alone and it's at night. And I fall apart. The morning comes and I realize that I want to go to the hospital to see him before they do anything so I head down and I can't find where he is. I wander around the hospital and try to call my dad and tell him that The Hub is dead. My dad doesn't believe me, he thinks I'm joking. I was crying hysterically, and I was so p*ssed he didn't believe me so I hung up on him. I couldn't find where they were keeping The Hub so I went ahead to find where my father in law was. They were keeping him in some "peaceful" holding room. I walked in his body started convulsing. I was calling for a nurse but since I was in the part of the hospital where they put dead bodies, no one was around and no one came. My dad called me back on my cell and he finally believed that my husband died and said he'd come to the hospital. I headed out to meet him.

And that was it. It was one of those dreams you wake up from and have to really convince yourself it didn't happen. I half expected to reach over and feel my husband cold. It was awful.

music and things

2008-02-25T10:49:00.001-08:00

* I heard the new Gnarls Barkley single on the radio this weekend, it's awesome. I had no idea a new album was even coming out. I predict more awesome.

* After that song came The Impression That I Get by The Mighty Mighty Bostones. And it reminded me of college and how awesome my early twenties were. I can see how people can get sucked into the notion of hanging onto their "best time" because, dang, those were some good times. College was awesome. I loved it. I did cool things and knew amazing people. I hope I can look back on my thirties and feel the same way.

note: I wasn't a huge MMB fan in college, but ska was huge, that's the only reason I thought of it. I don't want my indie cred ruined, man.

so tired

2008-02-22T13:24:00.001-08:00

Last night was the worlds worst night sleep ever. One of our dogs had some sort of stomach issue so I woke up when he starting snuffling and tossing and turning. I could hear his stomach gurgling across the room. And I just laid there. And he started whining. And then barking. Which means he needs to go out. So I do what every good pregnant wife does...I shook my husband awake and said "The dog needs to go out". My husband does not function well when he's groggy, so he went out and they both hang out in the backyard for a while. They come in, and the dog proceeds to lay down and start huffing and puffing and whining and stomach-gurgling again. Ugh. At some point he burps and it smells like poop so we both sit up and think there is poop in our room. No poop, but I told the husband to go put the dog out. Which he does. But then he comes to bed and lays there awake. And then I start thinking about all the crap that I've been stressed out about all week. And I know that he's awake. And now I'm WIDE awake. And then the dog starts barking so the husband brings him back in and he proceeds to rumble and burp more. So I hauled my butt out to the couch. At which point I realized our new couch is super comfy for sitting, but not really so great for sleeping.

Now it's Friday and I'll probably be in bed by 7pm. Tops.

thoughts on an expanding belly

2008-02-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

The nice thing about the expansion of your belly in pregnancy is that at least it's firm. I know what it's like to have "rock hard abs!". Ha.

I've very nearly grown out of my normal pants. For the past few weeks, I've gotten by doing the rubber band trick or by simply rolling down the waistband. Alas, my tricks are for naught now...no amount of straining will get most of my jeans buttoned.

Mundane

2008-02-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

I got into a "discussion" with a complete moron on some internet board who won't shut up about how if we put stricter gun laws in place, America will see violent crime levels on par with Mexico or South America. WTF? How do people like this actually function in society? I know it's a contrivercial topic, but shit people, take a rational approach at least. Acting like an extremist wacko just makes you look like......an extremist wacko. No wonder we have kids killing kids all the time.....jackasses like that. Maybe you don't agree with gun control, sure. I get that. But making up completely inane scenarios that will happen if we have gun controls? Really? Is that what you have to do to sleep at night? Bah.

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Oh the pregnancy front...my boobs are giant, at least for me. Giant boobs in a short period of time plus lots of hormones equals ouchie boobies. It's such a shame I can't enjoy them.

I am halfway done, at least, maybe more, depending on when he shows up. I feel pretty huge, I can't imagine getting twice as big as I am.

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Hooray for three day weekends. Seriously, we need to make sure we have at least one a month.

The hub is sick so I took the kids out today. K wanted to get her hair cut and E wanted to go to Smalland at IKEA. So we went. For my part, I did a heap of walking and didn't really buy anything. Tomorrow my plan is to clean the heck out of my car...it's a disaster.

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We've been watching the real estate market here, it's so bad. It's so bad for people who are trying to sell now. Where we live, there was a HUGE boom of housing developments...all those giant housing tracts by KB and Corinthian and Beezer. There are so many that aren't even finished and the are probably not going to finish anytime soon. We have some friends who bought out in one a couple of years ago, thinking they'd live in their generic house, sell it for a killing in a couple of years, and be able to afford to move to the urban area they really love.

Now their house is worth over 100K less than what they paid and houses out there are sitting on the market for over 6 months. Sucks.

And very sad.

One more time...

2008-02-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

Purchased legally. "We're dealing with a disturbed individual.."

We live in a society that is not compatible with the PRIVILEGE of owning guns.

We do not treat one another respectfully.

We demean those with mental illness.

We stigmatize those who chose alternative lifestyles.

We do not value human life.

We have no idea what it means to live in community.

We are not capable of living with guns owned "legally" in our midst.

Seriously. How can people argue this? They've been spouting the same NRA propaganda at me since I took up this cause on April 20, 1999. It's been almost 9 years and children are still taking arms against other children. How many more have to die before we get it through our heads that "gun rights" ARE NOT WORKING?

Yes, I'm still on this tangent.....

2008-02-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah. If it makes you feel better at night, if it makes you feel safer, however irrational, it was so worth this boys life so that you could keep a gun in your home.

Could you say that to his parents, though?

And, a simple search turned up these in the past day or so for shootings:
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2008/02/14/four_charged_in_fatal_cambridge_shooting/
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/northwest/chi-englewood-homicide_13feb13,1,1243246.story
http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_8255156
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080214/LOCAL/802140440/-1/LOCAL17
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-two_shot_webfeb14,1,910862.story

Oh I can't cut and paste anymore. You get the picture.

Here are the articles I found in the past day for people killed by an axe:

AAaaawwwww

2008-02-11T07:37:00.000-08:00

I've been watching every single Wino performance I could get my hands on this past year, and of course, I've watched the ones where she was an utter train wreck and practically incoherent.

So, I was just tickled this morning to watch her Grammy performance this morning. How adorable is she!!!??? She's so funny because so often in her performances, she seems a little self concious, a little uncomfortable to be on stage, and that seemed to be the case even at the very beginning of this performance. But, she seemed to warm up, that's for sure, and I'm so jealous that I wasn't able to be there.

On a side note...man, I don't understand drugs. She sure seemed happier to be on stage last night sober.

baby ate my brain

2008-02-10T21:02:00.000-08:00

I have nothing significant or important or intelligent to say because the baby ate my brain. I can only think about my aching boobs or the relentless kicks or how insanely tired I am.

Yeah, Gun control is for the birds......

2008-02-08T08:02:00.001-08:00

This totally would have happened if he was only able to get an axe or knife. TOTALLY.
Oh and this one? Yes, since that guy was clearly determined to be a criminal, he CLEARLY would have killed a 20 year SWAT vet with a knife. OBVIOUSLY.
*rolls eyes*

Who wants to bet that until yesterday, that first man was a "responsible gun owner" who got his gun through legal means and kept it locked up, just like a responsible gun owner should? Anyone? Anyone?

I really don't understand how anyone can defend gun ownership in light of the sheer volumes of people who are killed through gun violence in our country. Seriously, you are degrading the memories of every kid killed at Columbine when you defend gun ownership.

America, what has happened to your heart?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gun_violence
http://www.guncontrol.ca/Content/international.html

EDIT:
And yet another. Every time I click on the news today, there is another shooting death, killing multiple people.
Yeah, we don't need gun control or anything.

our song

2008-02-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever re-used and "our song"? You know......you dated someone, you had a song that somehow was special to your relationship...you broke up. Can you re-use the song?

I have a whole CD that I won't even listen to anymore. But it also irks me a little to think that this dude is out there maybe playing "our song" for some other chick.

But on the other hand, today I found myself singing a song that was an "our song" for my kid as I was getting him ready. Just kind of randomly, not really thinking about it. I caught myself and stopped. And that got me thinking.....is that tacky? Wrong? Can you re-use songs?